10-1-09: You want to show a female light bulb, then just slap a wig on it. You want to show a male light switch, then make sure the, uh , er, um... thingy, is pointed up.

Yes, Bucky Hinkerton is waving a thingy at your children in the funny pages. If they wake up crying tonight, screaming about weiners crawling out of the light switch, you'll know why.

BTW, Bucky generally draws his characters behind a bar because that way he doesn't have to draw the lower half. That's a good trick if you're pathologically lazy, but why hide a light bulb and a light switch behind a bar?

Yeah, I know.

10-2-09: This makes me wonder if there's such a thing as a LOUSY GAG net.

Because, you know, I've been complaining for a LONNNNNG time.

10-3-09: Ha-ha! Bob's dead! His head crushed like a gooseberry when it impacted the windshield, and his face torn to shreds by the shards of glass.

Yes, there's little that's not amusing about Bob's grisly, painful death.


Regurgitation Report: Another Triple-Loser, originating in 1999 and reappearing 2004. However, I have this funny hunch that this cartoon is quite a bit older than that.

In case you're counting, this makes the third Quigmans cartoon this week that's been used at least three times.

10-5-09: I just did a Google check for "juicy chops" as regarding a musical performance and discovered, by Google standards, nothing.

Nada.

Zip.

Yes, this is another of Bucky's imaginary plays on words that no one, in the history of the world, has ever uttered. It's also seriously unamusing unless you're, you know, seriously stupid.

10-6-09: Technically speaking, that skeleton should look more like an Indian. You know... feathers, tomahwk, slot machine. Otherwise, this could be the burial ground for Jewish comedians, or lousy cartoonists.

Actually, Creators Syndicate is the burial ground for lousy cartoonists. (Baddum-shhhh!)



Puke Patrol: Oh, my GAWWWD! Why didn't I see this before?

Buddy Hickerson is built over an actual Indian burial ground. That explains why these old, dry, desiccated cartoons keep reappearing with such annoying regularity. This particular specimen is, in fact, over eight years dead.

This sudden enlightenment also explains the smell, and I'm not referring to the gag this time, written as it is by good old "Martin".

10-7-09: Meanwhile, in an effort to display the proper deference to this gag, God has a happy little bowel movement.



Regurgitation Report: Like a bad burrito this cartoon rises from the dead to fill our hearts with its noxious love.

10-8-09: She's looking directly at the kettle and calling it "young man". Either this woman is profoundly retarded or Buddy hickerson is.

You of course know where my money lays on that particular bet.

10-9-09: When I was in grade school I was small and scrawny soI was inevitably picked on by bullies, but I also had a good sense of humor so I almost always managed to joke my way out bad situations.

Unfortunately for this kid, Bucky's writing the bon mot's.

Yeah, he is SO toast.



Regurgitation Report: All the way from 2004 come this puzzling public indictment of... something?

10-10-09: Masher? Really, Bucky?

That word last appeared in print in a copy of Reader's Digest in 1957. It was an Andy Rooney story about words no one uses any more.

So, Bucky, if your grandmother is going to write the material, at least give her credit.

Addendum: Two days ago Bucky presented a "new" joke about a whistling tea-kettle. That kind of material, plus this "masher" stuff, is so out-dated it makes me almost frightened for Buddy's mental health. Frightened because this is the best humor he can create and Creator's Syndicate is too stupid or ornery or oblivious to pull the plug on this deteriorating train-wreck of a comic. But we live in a country where assisted-suicide is illegal so I guess the three people who regularly read the strip for entertainment, rather than irony, are in luck.

23-skiddo, Bucky.

10-12-09: There are a lot of things that money can't buy, my philosophic friend. And clearly one of them is a sense of humor.

With that in mind, it's Story Time With Unca Mikey:

Bucky Hinkerton, author  of the Quigmans, once found a magic lamp. As he was rubbing the filth off out popped a genii, who consequently offered Bucky three wishes. Bucky first wished for his own comic strip.

Poof! The Quigmans was born.

Then Bucky wished for a really good sense of humor. Sadly, the genii told him some things are impossible to wish for, like love or intelligence, the death of an enemy or the ability to make people laugh.

So Bucky sighed and wished for the genii to clear up his complexion.

The genii thought a minute and asked "What kind of sense of humor did you want?"




Sloth Alert: One of the worst things about offering free advice is watching those less intelligent than yourself actually taking said advice and putting it into action. Inevitably they fuck it up and blame the result on you. So when Bucky took Angela Gygi's idea for this gag and turned it into an exceptionally crappy cartoon there's no one to blame except... who? Yes, that's right, you. And you know who I'm talking about.

10-13-09: Why does.... why should she.... how can...?

Aw, fuck it! Here's a joke for you:

A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, "Have you heard about the mad cow disease that's going around?"
"Yeah," the other cow says. "Makes me glad I'm a penguin."



Upchuck Update: This is the 142nd recycled Queegsmans comic so far in 2009, versus about 110 original cartoons. Must be nice taking half the year off but I'm sure Bucky's day job takes up a lot of his time.

10-14-09: Cooking is a skill. Repairing accordions is a skill. Killing a man silently with a chainsaw is a skill.

Metabolizing oxygen is not a skill. It's a biological process.

Eliminating waste is also a biological process. Bucky Hinkerston is just the only person brazen enough to slap some syndicate info on it and call it a cartoon.

10-15-09: Here's what the peanut is actually saying: "Until I am consumed, digested and excreted into a sanitary fixture I can never be truly happy."

Whatever floats your boat, captain.



Upchuck Update: This is the 143rd recycled Queegsmans cartoon in 2009. Frankly, I coulda done without it.

10-16-09: This is what Bucky Hiskerton thinks a geek's dream girl looks like.

Yeah. Right.

It's clear he wouldn't know what Felicia Day looked like if she bit him on his bepimpled ass.

Oh, that's right. This cartoon is almost 5 years old and The Guild didn't hit the intertubes until 2007. But there's always 'net goddesses Jennifer Aniston, Pamela Anderson and Freyja Tryggvason. (Ha! Made ya look!)



Upchuck Update: This is the 144th recycled Queegsmans cartoon in 2009. Makes ya feel kinda significant in comparison, dont it?

10-17-09: They say you write what you know.

Soooo... anyone know which Taco Bell Bucky is working at now? I hope it offers dental.

10-19-09: Whoa!

Whew!

Man, I gotta sit down! Gimme a minute while I catch my breath.

Holy jumpin' Jesus this cartoon is retarded! I mean, profoundly demented in ways that even the Super Fund isn't capable of ameliorating.

Is the intent of this cartoon actually intending to rebut decades of solid scientific information that climate change not only exists but is accelerating far faster than initially believed?

Really?

Kill yourself, Buddy. Please. And do it as slowly and painfully as possible because you, my friend, deserve it.



Sloth Alert: This festering turd of a gag was apparently written by Angela Gygi. I say "apparently" because she seems like a person of relatively normal intelligence, which can only mean that some casual, off-the-cuff remark of hers was transformed into this wretched attempt at politcal satire by Mr. Cartoon Genius Boy himself, Buddy "BMX" Hickerson. This is only my fervent hope but I could be wrong.

10-20-09: Today's critique is gonna be easy. Take a gander at the Quigmans cartoons that appeared just one week ago:


I don't know where Bucky got the idea that "owning one's feelings" was a vast, untapped comic treasure trove of humorous material but the result in both instances is about as entertaining as reading the ingredients off the back of a box of toe-fungus medicine.

I'm getting this odd feeling that even Bucky doesn't read his own cartoons anymore.

10-21-09: Here's the original caption from when this Quigman first appeared four years ago:

"It's a commitment bracelet, woven with hair cut from the heads of my former lovers who defiled the idea of the bracelet."

See? So much funnier... if your idea of "fun" is to threaten women with imminent danger.

Kill yourself, Bucky. C'mon! Don't just wither away in front of us by offering this sub-par crap. Take yourself out in a way we'll all remember... for about thirty minutes.


Upchuck Update: And in addition to updating the caption Bucky also spent additional time improving the art by uhhhh.... hmmmm.... well, not doing a damn thing actually.

10-22-09: I have this funny hunch that the relative handful of people reading today's Queegmans comic share the same expression of bewildered incredulity as Ms. Franzioni here. This thing makes about as much sense as a styrofoam boat anchor.

(BTW, as you might guess there's an opening for a licensed metaphor creator here at quigmans.com. Please submit all resumes, plus a nude picture of your sister, to bob@quigmans.com.)


Upchuck Update: Setting aside for a moment Bucky's uncontestable comic logic, did you notice that the "BO" at the end of the caption is scrawled out in longhand? In the original cartoon from 2005 the "BO" was typeset. I'm gonna guess that he sent the cartoon out with the word spelled "PO" and an embarrassed syndicate changed it at the last minute. Makes as much sense as anything.

10-23-09: I can just see the classified ad now...

WANTED: Car thief needed. Must bring own tools. Can keep everything you steal. 401k and dental offered. No pervs or fatties.

Yeah, that's JUST kind of work all America is waiting for... unless you work for the GOP.

10-24-09: Would it be too impertinent to point out that you can waste so much time on any one thing that it would deleteriously affect your ability to support oneself? You know, accordions, snake handling or pretending you can write gags for cartoons.


Upchuck Update: Replace the word "cell phone" with "Twitter", "Youtube",  "Facebook" or "Reddit" and you'll understand how Bucky might just as well have used the words "repairing steam engines", "barn dancing" or "ironmongering".

Yes, 2005 is a long time ago in technology years.

10-26-09: I wrote this gag back in 1987. My name was included in the signature back when this comic debuted on 5-14-87 but it's been neatly omitted since then.

You're a dick, Buddy.

Regurgitation Report: Yes, this is at least the fourth time this gag has been used by Bucky. As you can see, he re-drew it in June of '04, redrew it again in August of '04 (Yes, two months apart and to no additional effect whatsoever) and today re-used the earlier version from '04. The lesson? Even Bucky doesn't like his own artwork.

10-27-09: This is Bucky's attempt at being retarded... uh, I mean, relevant.

In the former he's succeeding. In the latter, he's still retarded.

Here's a hint, Bucky... next time you want to parody a current event, be sure to remember to add some humor. Otherwise you look kinda, well, you know.

10-28-09: This is the cartoon version of a car wreck. Unfortunately, there's no Jaws of Life to extract this cranial crepitation from your short-term memory. All we can do is apply pressure on the syndicate and hope for the best.

10-29-09: This is not so much a comic as an instruction manual as Bucky put off creating a new cartoon today. Instead, he simply pulled a random one from deep within the bowels of the huge, dingy ball of Quigman cartoons he has stashed in the closet next to his Lithuanian monkey porn.



Upchuck Update: All together now... HEAVE!

Okay, once more from the diaphragm... HEAVE!

All right, just once more, and this time dig deep... HEAVE!

HURRRRRR-RALPH!

Okay, we got us a cartoon. Everyone take five.

10-30-09: Not a clue. Not a fucking clue.

Yeah, I know, it's supposed to be having sport with some lame TV show but, seriously, I've found stuff under the rim of airport toilets that held more interest for me.

10-31-09: I wrote this joke back in the 80s so all I can say about it is that Buddy Hickerson is a puny, slimy dick for having re-used it three times since without giving me proper credit.

(To be honest, it's not the world's greatest gag but it's a lot better than the usual dreck Bucky cough's up.


Upchuck Update: This is what the cartoon looked like when it ran in 1987 during Bucky's "I'm not making much money from the Quigmans so why knock myself out?" phase. You can just make out my name, "Stanfill", on the signature. Bucky leaves that out now because, you know, he's a comic geeeee-nyus.

Bucky re-drew and re-used the gag on 12-8-98 and has since used it on 3-12-04 and today.

Yes, a four-time loser.

And, yes, that's supposed to be Bob Quigman as the chef in both pictures. More of that famous Hickerson attention to detail.