1-1-09: What does Clebert's not having a car have to do with anything? The gag is about his obssession with corporate logos. Read the first sentence alone to see what I mean.

Stoopid.


Regurgitation Report: The first time this cartoon made the rounds back in 2005 the driver was unnamed. So, as though it's even possible, by calling him "Clebert" Bucky has made the cartoon even less funny.

1-2-09: You see, it’s funny because the doctor has a face full of basal and squamous cell carcinomas. If we’re really lucky he has several melanomas, too. Yes, his painful death will bring mirth to us all as we dance merrily about his crypt deriding him for not buying a decent mirror.


Regurgitation Report: No changes to this puppy whatsoever save for the date and syndication info.

Cushy gig, this pretend cartoonist stuff.

1-3-09: Soooooo.... is there any reason that Bob is on all fours? Is it arthritis? Does he think he's a wolverine? Is he looking for a lost contact? Is he in a cartoon that's badly written? Gosh! I doubt we'll ever really know.


Regurgitation Report: Hmmm. This particular cartoon's not in my files but I know that if it contains Bob Quigman and uses Zip-A-Tone shading then it must be as old as the hills.

1-5-09: Child abuse as a form of family entertainment? Ohhh, that daring, naughty little Bucky-britches.

Technical detail: Barney & Friends didn't hit the air until 1992 and this cartoon wasn't syndicated until 2006 which means this adorned, alcoholic Adonis is no more than 18 years old. I'm just sayin'.


Regurgitation Report: One of the rationalized crutches that Bucky used to lean on concerning his recycling of old cartoons was so that new readers could enjoy the really funny ones that appeared long before they were aware of the Quigmans.

This piece-of-crappola cartoon completely and unequivocally guts that fishy little argument.

1-6-09: Judging by each of the recycled Quigmans cartoons that has so far appeared in 2009 I thought at first that old Bucky had begun a campaign of tormenting his audience by purposely reusing the very lousiest and most execreble Quigmans cartoons he could possibly dig out of the pile. But, since he:

(A) Has a primitive sense of humor and
(B) Has almost completely stopped expending effort on the strip

It's ever more clear he's letting his dog pick the cartoons. A blind dog, evidently.


Puke Patrol: And this lovely little coughed-up pool of corn-encrusted detritus hails from 2004.

1-7-09: Yesterday's Quigmans concerned a waitress wanting to rip a customer's head off. Today we have a guy being threatened with death by animal cruelty.

I'm no Sigmund Freud but I believe that most of you would take a much greater interest in how your kid gets to school if old Bunky-boy was driving the bus.

Am I right?

I like dark humor as much as the next guy but I generally like at least a little humor in my dark. Unfortunately, at Bunky's Diner, that cupboard went bare a long time ago.


Regurgitation Report: Nope. Still not funny.

1-8-09: I'll give you a match... how about Bunky Hinkerton's brain and a used Huggies filled with rancid guacamole?

That's a terrible allegation to make about guacamole so I'm sure I'll be hearing from the Guacamole Manufacturer's Association legal department quite soon. You see, there's only so far one can go in comparing something to guacamole until those people start getting all riled up. As I recall you can safely compare the product to dead hookers, bus station bathrooms and that 27-pound wart that balances on the top of Karl Rove's neck. But comparing it to Hinkerton's brain, that's trouble.

On the bright side it's nice to know that Creator's Syndicate hires the handicapped. I wonder if you get a special parking pass for having no sense of humor? Let us know, Bunky. We're all dying to find out.


Puke Promontory: I did not remember this cartoon when I saw it the second time. Can you blame me?

1-9-09: Hmmm. I wonder what thoughts he might be having:

"Hey! I think I have the answer to Fermat's Last Theorem!"
"Should I name my half-elf ThunderRabbit or Lord of Flatbush?"
"Man, I'm hungry! I could eat an entire case of Little Debbie Swiss Treats."
"Yikes! The hookers are back again. Wonder if I should call the cops?"
"Hmm, perhaps I should take a quick whiz before getting pummled by bullies this afternoon."
"Oh, god! Not another of Bucky's sleazy little underage sex fantasies."
"Is it possible to be a cartoonist if you have no sense of humor?"



Regurgitation Rport: "The original caption to this cartoon read: "Just in case you have the slightest shadow of an inkling of a notion to ask... the answer is no."

Yeah, it made all the difference in the world.

1-10-09: You have to wonder which one is dumber... Bob, for running around nekkid as a jaybird. The lady, for pulling a reason for Bob's nudity totally out of her ass. Or Bucky for puking-up this lame premise.



Regurgitation Report: It's too bad the Quigmans are no longer running in daily newspapers as I'd love to mail the editors a sack of garbage, labeled as the Quigmans, just to see if they'd print it out of sheer confusion.

Believe me, apart from the much fresher aroma, it would be tough for them to tell the difference.

BTW, this gag written by one who understands garbage intimately... Bucky's ex-flame, Angela Szyszka. Hi, Angie! Hope you're having fun taking over the aniated world.

1-12-09: Ahhh, The Quigmans. The Yugo of comics strips. You can almost feel the door handle fall off in your hand as you scan the image. You can sense a strong vibration as you try to make sense of the punchline. You recoil in horror as the brakes sink to the floorboard, the wheels fly off and the whole shebang explodes in flames as it crashes on the far turn when you try to make logical sense of this tortured exercise in humor.

Where are you when we needed you, Ralph Nader?

1-13-09: Later that evening she had to call the police as her new beau began to threaten her bodily with the washing machine after she had casually made a casual, offhand remark about his shunken, Grape-Nut-like testicles.

It was then that she learned the dangers of improper Googling and swore never again to flirt with the men in the "on parole" section of roid-rage.com.



Regurgitation Report: Yesterday Bucky created a brand new, though exceedingly imbicilic, Quigmans cartoon. It's not really his fault that the strip sucks, it's just that, like our muscle-bound pal above, Bucky's humor gland has apprantly atrophied from lack of use. Perhaps too much baba ganoush. I don't know.

This makes reading The Quigs not unlike watching a three-legged dog use a trampoline. It should be entertaining for someone but, in the end, everybody loses.

1-14-09: So Bucky stole a joke and thinks coming clean about it, in a tangential fashion, will cause the public to spontaneously clutch him to its collective bosom in appreciation for such honesty?

Didn't work for OJ Simpson.

It's too bad Bucky doesn't apply this type of truth-in-advertising to his other comics as they all deserve one type of label or another. For instance:.

"Note: Gag written by girl I used to bone... so I could bone her some more."
"Joke written at last minute."
"I have no idea what this joke means."
"Too lazy to draw anything competent today, so all you get is two people at a bar."
"Fat joke Monday."
"Misogynist joke Tuesday."
"Mental Cruelty joke Thursday."
"Joke borrowed from Jay Leno."
"Joke borrowed from Dave Letterman."
"Joke borrowed from fortune cookie."
"Yes! It's another damn rerun! Now shut up, Mike, goddammit!"



Regurgitation Report: I never actually saw this on a bumper sticker but I definitely saw it on t-shirts as far back as 1988. I knew a guy back then who called himself "The Weasel" and he always wore said shirt proudly.

I didn't know him that well, okay?

1-15-09: In case you're new to this planet you should know that when people die their spirits often fail to ascend to Valhalla or its nearest equivalent. By some trick of fate they're doomed to wander the Earth, and if they were mean, vindictive sons-a-bitches in mortal life then they got to spend the afterlife fucking with people's heads after the sun goes down. It's kind of a perk, you see.

If, on the other hand, they'd lived peaceful, virtuous lives then their only function is to be used as props in inane, third-rate cartoons. No one said death was fair.




Regurgitation Report: This comic originally appeared on October 31, 2003. Yes, this comic was originally intended for Halloween. And what kind of cartoon did Bucky offer us last Halloween? A gag about escalators.

One more thing... on the right hand side of the original version of the cartoon, where it now says "1-15", was a line of text that said "comicspage.com". If you went there you'd find it was the comic section of Tribune Media, his former syndicate. There you'd find the Quigmans along with other lousy Tribune comics.

So the question is... why bother? Why didn't Bucky simply build a real Quigmans web site for the sake of his fans and his sanity?

Say it with me now... "Laziest cartoonist on Earth."

1-16-09: Shows what Bunky knows about prison life. A roaming phone in a federal lock-up is worth at least 20 cartons of Marlboro's and no less than three gallons of Pruno.

Of course, you have to hide it up your ass all day but you get a real buzz whenever grandma calls.

Sloth Alert: "Gag" accredited to "Palmer".



Puke Patrol: So, gettin' any?

I sure am.

1-17-09: And so, Bucky's faulty humor circuit  continues to spit sparks and smoke... and little else.

The problem with this "gag" is that, judging from the sign on the wall, one would naturally assume that this restaurant was designed to service those employed in the pest control field. Using Bucky's logic, McDonald's should rename itself "Minimum-wage Immigrant Bistro".

If the sign had read "Cockroach Cafe" then the whole thing would make a little more sense. Still not funny, but logical.

As usual, epic fail.



Puke Patrol: This cartoon is almost ten years old. You really suck, Bucky.

1-19-09: Don't worry about laughing. That's a cartoon by Bucky Hinkerton, World Champion of the grossly-unattractive, unevenly-written, far-from-amusing comic strips.



Regurgitation Station: For whatever reason this cartoon first appeared exactly five years ago, give or take a leap day. Under normal circumstances you'd suspect Bucky chose this one on purpose but, knowing Mr. "Can't Be Bothered To Create New Material", this is probably just chaos theory at work.

1-20-09: Here's a few tips for all you prospective comic artists out there:

(1) If one of your characters is supposed to be inarguably unattractive then be sure and draw them that way, otherwise your comic won't make any sense.

(2) If one character, like the waitress, is supposed to be talking to another character, like the female guest, it's important to have her eyes and head distinctly pointed in that direction, otherwise your comic won't make any sense.

(3) Be sure and develop a premise that readers can understand, like why a presumed babe would be having dinner with a total dweeb against her will, otherwise your comic won't make any sense.

If, on the other hand, you could care less that your cartoon is enjoyable then just call it "The Quigmans" and go watch Judge Judy.

1-21-09: If there are any women out there who think this is amusing, raise your hands.

No, seriously, raise them up so I can see them.

I'm waiting.

I can wait all day if I have to.

Ohhhhhh.



Regurgitation Report: This makes the 15th recycled Quigmans cartoon this month, as opposed to three new ones.

The word you're looking for here is "suck".

Suck. Suck. Suck.

1-22-09: How do I hate this cartoon? Let me count the ways.

(1) Another sight gag? What? Is Carrot Top having a fire-sale on old material?

(2) Being a "culture vulture" is a good thing. Ridiculing it only displays pig-ignorance.

(3) Romeo and Juliet out-tragedies The Tragedy of King Lear eight ways to Sunday.

(4) Vultures are scavengers. They feast on dead things. Like the Quigmans' soul.

(5) Vultures don't eat fucking salads, either.

(6) Man, it's depressing to have to read bitter, bleak, pessimistic, tragic cartoons.



Regurgitation Report: (7) This makes the 16th recycled Quigmans cartoon this month, as opposed to three new ones.

The phrase you're thinking of is "WTF?"

1-23-09: Remember the Flintstone cartoons? When they wanted to make fun of modern technological devices, like a garbage disposal, they'd stick a pigasaurus under the sink and let him eat whatever came down the drain. It was imaginatively silly fun. I laughed until I barfed-up my Maypo all over my official Howdy Doody pajamas.

We're not so lucky here. Bucky just says "Screw imagination! Here's a cell phone, Sir Lancelot" and proceeds to carve out a badly-conceived jape which only about one percent of his diminutive herd of readers will comprehend.

The real solution to this type of gag would be to have our friendly musketeer instead holding a large, intricately-bound volume he calls "Ye Book of Face" in which the fair Jacqueline "... didst throw a sheep at me. I shall super-poke her, anon."

I know, it sounds stupid but, trust me. It is.

1-24-09: This is the kind of gag you'd have seen in the Freddie the Freeloader portion of the old Red Skeleton Show. The scene would open in a shack and we'd see two disheveled bums sharing a drink. Freddie would pour a glass and the other bum would take a sip, wincing sourly for effect, at which time Freddie would admit to the libation's humble origin. The other bum would then opine that the beverage, though appalling, was better than the ketchup cabernet they had yesterday.

Through it all, Freddie's lovable charm and appeal would make this dumb gag palatable.

However, using the same gag with two middle-calss yuppies is just bone-headed. Way to fuck up again, Bucky.



Regurgitation Report: Bucky has re-used 17 Quigmans cartoons in January and ten of those have been from 2004. It's almost like he's on a misison to re-use every cartoon from 2004 as quickly as possible.

1-26-09: No, you're not seeing things. You haven't had a sudden onset of alzheimers. You haven't suffered a small stroke that's reduced your abilityto comprehend humor. This Quigmans cartoon is just plain terrible. It has no punchline and it's not drawn in any sort of amusing fashion. This is, for all intents and purposes, a doodle. A syndicated doodle.

Yes, your kid could draw something much better than this, even if they were merely scrawling stick figures on the wall of the den with their own feces. So please send your little genius immediately to the offices of Creators Syndicate as they have an opening... whether they realize it or not.



Regurgitation Report: Bucky has re-used 18 Quigmans cartoons in January although this one probably doesn't count as I have no idea what it's supposed to be. My guess is the back side of the cartoon contains his shopping list and he sent it in to the syndicate knowing it'd be better than whatever the hell was on the other side.

1-27-09: This gag would be most amusing except the Family Circus used it last week.

Yes, there's nothing quite so entertaining as watching Dad physically assault his wife and children for the most trivial of reasons. Who can forget the day Dad crammed Dolly down the garbage disposal? And the look on the PJ's face when they put him in the blender feet-first? Absolutely precious! It almost looked like he was smiling but it was simply the horrible rictus of death.

So better luck next time, Bucky old sport.



Regurgitation Report: Counting this one Bucky has re-used 19 Quigmans cartoons in January. The record is 22 recycled cartoons set in November of 2008. Will Bucky somehow manage to break his own record for indolence? An anxious America holds its breath nose.

1-28-09: Fucking shoot me.

Mr. Personality here says the word "loser"and then proceeds to use it correctly in a sentence. So unless the girl is throwing her voice the word is definitely in his vocabulary.

Note to Bucky: Look up the word "loser", "humor" and "dilettante" in your dictionary. Guess which two you'll find next to your picture.



Regurgitation Report: This makes 20 recycled Quigmans cartoons for January. We're now only two gags away from tying Bucky's all-time record for laziness.

1-29-09: Huh?

Are these zombie winos?
Are they yuppies on a spree?
Are they Frenchmen dying of thirst?
Is this a softball team celebrating its championship in the Southeast regional finals?
Why is the driver afraid of the pedestrians?
Why are some people touching the car?
Why are some people ignoring the car?
Why are some people standing around in an empty field?
How exactly did this place get its name?
Why would anyone come here?
Why are there no vineyards fat with grapes, tilled fields, or bottling facilties?
If it's a legitimate vineyard, why is everyone seemingly drunk?
Why do I have this splitting headache?
Why is there no punchline?
Why would anyone think this is funny?
How does this deserve to be syndicated?
Why do I have the urge to mail used diapers to Creator's Syndicate?

Sloth Alert: This mind-bendingly, side-splittingly, spleen-ventingly hilarious gag was written by Bucky's pal Rocco.

But who is Rocco?
What is Rocco?
Why should we care?
Why does he try to write jokes?


Note: As lousy as this cartoon is I'm afraid I have to take partial blame. I've been ragging Bucky mercilessly for the past couple of days about his unrelenting sloth, that he was headed for the all-time record number of re-cycled Quigmans cartoons in a month when, lo and behold, this new one pops up, virtually destroying any possibility of breaking the two-month-old record. So it's pretty clear he took an off-the-cuff remark and turned it into this crappy place-holder, basically giving up the safety rather than risk the defense grinding his schnozz into the turf for a quick seven. Way ta go, Bucko!

1-30-09: Jonathan's one-man show went on to do very well in test runs in Baltimore and Des Moines, but by the time it hit New York he'd lost his director to pleurisy, complicated by unexplained occurances of catarrh. In addition, the stage hands chose that moment to strike for better tantric masseuses. To make matters worse, the theatre had come under siege by hordes of zombie lobsters and their unquenchable thirst for "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."

In desperation Jonathan decided to transform the show into a comic strip. The reviews weren't favorable.

From Rex Reed: "The're nothing wrong with this comic that wart-removal can't sure."

Pauline Kael: "Robert Laurent. Trevor Nunn. Harold Klurman. No one will sleep with me."

Roger Ebert: "Hey! You still got any of those Goobers around here?"



Regurgitation Report: Bucky has so far re-used 21 old Quigmans cartoons this month... and 14 of them are from 2004. Evidently it's just too difficult for Bucky to pick the best examples out of decades of cartoons he's created so he's decided to simply plow through 2004 as quick and easily as he can.

That's our little slacker!

BTW, you'd of thought he'd at least have have the decency to delete the cigarette.

Decency? Bucky? What was I thinking? I need to start huffing better quality paint thinner.

1-31-09: Here's an example of something that's truly sad about the Quigmans. If you look at the smaller image below you'll see the chap inthe dentist's chair is none other than good old Bob Quigman himself. The only time he shows up these days is in years-old cartoons that Bucky has deigned to redraw. This goes for the other original Quigmans stars, too: Francine, Moe and Jowles the dog. As I've said before, that's like Charles Schultz ditching Charlie Borwn and his pals along about 1977.



Regurgitation Report: I wrote this gag in the late 80s/early 90s and this marks at least it's fourth appearance, having also appeared in 1998 and 2004.

This makes 22 re-used Quigmans cartoons for January of 2009. That equals the mark of inperfection achieved by Bucky only two short months ago in November of 2009.

See you next month, kids!