12-1-09: If there's truly a place where lack of oxygen might be a problem I'd suggest it's that tiny, desiccated spot between Buddy Hickerson's two ears.



Regurgitation Report: And the rape of 2004 continues... along with a little forced sodomy on 2000, too.

12-2-09: That?

That's the best, the most amusing euphemism for bovine spongiform encephalopathy that Buddy Hickerson, cartoon genius, can contrive?

God! It's painful watching this guy circuitously attempting to make sense of the English language.

How about "teabaggerosis" or "Rosie O'donnellitis" or, for that matter, why not simply "Rush Limbaugh"?

Oh, wait, he's a pig. That's the other white supremicist.

12-3-09: This is somewhat akin to a Hell's Angel walking into a bordello, taking a whore in both hands and asking her "Hey! You wanna fuck?". It would be a stupid thing to say because fucking is her job.

Similarly, traveling snug and safe inside a Poke Ball inside a kid's pocket is what Pikachu's do. So again, stupid.

This cartoon makes me want to grab Buddy by the lapels and ask "Hey! You wanna write a decent gag?"

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.


Sloth Alert: Another oldie-but-lamey written by one of Buddy's old girlfriends, and her name doesn't exactly rhyme with "Musan Milverman", either.



Regurgitation Report: This isn't just an old cartoon, it's an old cartoon of an old cartoon.

12-4-09: Well, so much for wanting to be the next Far Side.

Buddy Hickerson, genius cartoonist, has decided he wants to be the next "Pickles", that mid-brow comic strip that reaches out to the laxative and fiber crowd. Of course, he still has to figure out how to write a decent joke.

Honestly, what the holy hell is this? Even by Quigmans standards it sucks.

Give it up, Buddy. You loser. You lamer. You charlatan. You suck-up.

12-5-09: Trust Buddy to totally miss the obvious play on words. It should have read:

"He was killed by his stockpile of survivalist goods. The irony is crushing."

And by using the word "pungent" he's saying that the irony stinks, which makes his attempt at irony rather pungent. Ironic, eh?

He also screwed it up by drawing bottles and jugs when the operative word is "canned". Nice going, Genius Boy.

Sloth Alert: Can't blame Angela Szyszka on this one. The concept is decent but she ought to never stop slapping Buddy.

12-7-09: For some weird reason, I find myself repelled by this cartoon.

The reason is obvious.


Upchuck Update: When this cartoon first appeared back in '02 it had a caption. And here it is:

Yeah, doesn't help a bit, does it?

12-8-09: Sometimes when I read the Quigmans I like to pretend I'm on a high cliff,  looking out over a big, blue ocean. That way when I projectile vomit no one, except for a fish or two, gets hurt.


Upchuck Update: Hey, look! It's Bob Quigman on the right side of the comic! The guy Buddy Hickerson, cartoon geenyuss, hasn't drawn in almost five years.

And, look! It's Zip-A-Tone shading. Something Buddy Hickerson, personal deity to the dispossessed, hasn't used in almost five years.

Add the two together and you get an almost seven year old cartoon. Mmmmm, stale-o-licious!

12-9-09: Hey, Buddy? You think cannibalism is funny? Well, then you'll just LOVE this:

Eat me!


Upchuck Update: You might say that a cartoon from just three years ago ain't such a big deal... except that Buddy borrowed the idea from me, which I borrowed from Gary Larson. Click here to see what I mean.

Incidentally, the original caption read "I appreciate the sentiment, Agnes, but I really don't think chickn soup is my ticket back to health."

Why the change? Why did Agnes lose her credit? Who the fuck knows?

12-10-09: So simply draping a camera on some yokel is cause enough to start howling "Paparazzi"?

That's like installing an idiot in the White House and calling him "Mr. President".

In both cases, "Mission A-crap-lished".


Upchuck Update: The first/last time this cartoon appeared in 2004 it arrived with the caption "Small town celebrities."

Buddy's been doing a lot of this minor, pointless editing of his cartoons lately. I'm guessing.... he thins he's still being creative.

Guess again.

12-11-09: Okay, I'll give you the repressed duck and the banana split personality. But sole searching, short comings, self expresso and basket case aren't even close to mental conditions.

Ordinarily, Buddy, I'd say you owe us 2/3 of a joke, except I know you don't have a humorous dime on you. Ya bum.


Upchuck Update: This gag first appeared long brfore 2001 but I don't have a pictoral record of that. Sorry.

It's strange, though, how Buddy re-drew it in 2005  and then completely forgot about that version, using instead the original one today.

Guess all that Taco Bell hot sauce kinda wrecks your brain after awhile. Huh, Bud?

12-12-09: "And the award for 'Artwork Least Likely to Grace a Hallmark Card' goes to.... Charles Manson!

Mr. Manson can't be with us tonight, as he's currently busy gang-raping Bernie Madoff, so accepting his award will be tonight's Second Place finisher, Buddy Hickerson. Get on up here, ya big cartoon genius you."


Upchuck Update: It's probably getting to the point now where it's a real challenge for Buddy to find a Quigmans cartoons from 2004  that haven't already been re-used (not that it'll stop the little maroon from re-re-re-using them).

Why does Buddy re-use so many Quigmans cartoons from 2004? My best hunch is that's the last year he expended any real energy on the strip. It's been pretty much downhill ever since... and the velocity is increasing.

12-14-09: George Carlin did this bit DECADES ago...

"I'd walk a  mile for a Camel", "But wouldn't you rather have a Buick?", "They say Plymouth makes it!".

The stupidest part about this gag is that almost all ad slogans are created to function as double entendres (See Carlin above). To pretend you didn't get it in the first place is simply moronic... Buddy.


Sloth Alert: Yes, Buddy's gal-pal Gygi just HAD to open her yap and parrot some idiotic ad slogan as though it was an original idea. And Buddy is crediting her as though she thought it up herself. What a perfect pair of simpletons.

12-15-09:

Dear Diary;

I did it again today. I went down to the street corner and waited for people wearing glasses to walk by and then I yelled out "Hey! Four eyes!", and then I laughed and laughed and laughed. I am so fucking hilarious I ought to have my own comic strip.

Hey! I Do!

Tomorrow I think I'll visit the same corner and look for fat people to demean. Man, I can hardly wait! The only thing better is retarded people. They're so stupid. Ha-ha-ha!

Oh, and I pooped my pants again. That was funny, too. Ha-ha-ha.

See you tomorrow, Dear Diary.

Love, Buddy.



Sloth Alert: This "joke" is credited to Buddy's ex-mantool polisher, Angela Szyszka. Crawl into a fetal position and take a bow, Angie.

Regurgitation Report: When this cartoon originally appeared almost six years ago it included a caption, which you can just barely make out to the left. It reads "Cruel genetic mutant kids."

Removing this caption actually makes the cartoon better because it reduces the time it takes to view the comic. It's not unlike an alligator chomping your testicles for four seconds rather than five.

12-16-09: Does the guy on the witness stand at all resemble the impression of the face in the door?

Yeah, me, neither.

Your honor, I'd like to have this case dismissed on grounds of cartoonist incompetency.



Regurgitation Report: If you went by the last three uses of this comic you'd swear that Buddy Hickerson, cartoon genius, is so on the ball that he re-uses the same comic every five years. Check the dates if you doubt me.

Only this is just an abberation, a fluke, driven by the fact that Buddy re-used a LOT of old cartoons in 2004 (many from 1999) and is currently raping 2004 for material since his humor gland shut down a decade ago.

Trust me, the man is about as organized as a bowl of Republican yakitori.

12-17-09: I hate to admit this, but I don't use my computer anymore.

You see, whenever I use my email program, my living fills up with letters. It's true. And when I look at online porn my apartment suddenly becomes uncomfortably steamy with masses of writhing bodies. You should see what it does to my carpet, especially on Bukakke Night.

Then there's the games. I inevitably get bonked on the head with blocks when I played Tetris, and those Space Invader bombs simply ruined my daybed.

So no more computers for me. No, sir! From now on it's just me, Bigfoot and Ross Perot playing pinochle.



Sloth Alert: Hi, Angela. I know you really didn't call them "3-D kill games". You're not that dumb, but since your name is on this cartoon people are naturally going to think you're a complete moron, even if Buddy is the one who fucked it up.

Next time, check for fleas before you lie down.


Regurgitation Report: Another five years, another re-used Quigmans cartoon. Just like a lazy, slothful, badly engineered clock that runs on banana peels, stale soda crackers and used condoms.

12-18-09: The idea of the triple entendre has been around for a long time. As Wikipedia reports, "The cover of the 1981 Rush album 'Moving Pictures' is a triple entendre. The title could be read to mean transporting or relocating wall paintings or photographs by a moving crew, pictures that invoke emotional (moving) reactions, or a film/movie."

If Buddy had successfully created a triple entendre then this cartoon would have been decidely clever.

This cartoon, however, is not clever. This is the comic equivalent of a dog chasing a car, as even if the dog caught it he wouldn't know what to do with it. Similarly, Buddy hasn't the foggiest idea what to do with a triple entendre excpet perhaps hurt himself with it.

The Palestinian Fry Cook Syndrome strikes yet again.



Sloth Alert: This cartoon was written by someone named "Thornton". This is the first Quigmans cartoon attributed to this person. Let's hope it's the last.

12-19-09: Yeah? And?

Oh, I forgot. This is a Quigmans cartoon. Punchlines are optional.



Regurgitation Report: Recycled Quigmans cartoons from 2003 are pretty rare. Judging by this piece a' crap, it's easy to see why.

12-21-09: Welcome to Place-Holder Theatre, where Buddy Hickerson slaps up just any old thing while he searches for an old Quigmans cartoon to re-use.

So with great glee I'd like to point out the following:

(1) No one has ever mistaken moss for fur.
(2) No one has EVER mistaken lichens for fur.
(3) No one has ever adored green, slimy substances when used as clothing.
(4) No one has ever actually slept under a rock.
(5) Sleeping under a rock large enough to cover your body will not result in a suit of moss and/or lichens. It will result in the death of your body.
(6) Sleeping under a rock will also not result in your legs being covered in plaid slacks.
(7) No one will ever find this cartoon amusing.

That's it for Place-Holder Theatre!

12-22-09: You never see anyone drinking beer in an American beer commercial because American's don't want to give children the idea that beer is meant to be drunk. I am not kidding. That one fact is vastly more amusing than this stupid joke.


Regurgitation Report: Oh, look! Our old friend Zp-A-Tone.

I don't pay much attention to such things but I think the the Quigmans is the only comic still using it these days, and only because Buddy's re-using comics that are SO OLLLLLLLLLLD.

If you think about it he's syndicating the equivalent of wood-block prints.

12-23-09: If you drained all the blood out of a human body it would still appear pretty much the same as it always does, just a lot less ruddy. Evidently this is some mutant strain of leech that totally dehydrates a host. But if Buddy Hickerson, cartoon geeenyuss, can suck all the life out a joke then a leech can suck all the moisture out of a body.

Sloth Alert: Angela Szyszka, the author of this desiccated jape, used to write most of Buddy's new material but she disappeared about five years ago. I think she's been eaten by raccoons. May she rest in peace. Actually, I hope she's turning on a spit in the bowels of Hades in a really humid room full of Lithuanian amateur scat munchers.


Regurgitation Report: Congratulations, Buddy! You've tied your record for pure, unadulterated laziness as this makes the 182nd recycled Quigmans in 2009. A record established in 2008. No doubt he'll break the record this week, probably tomorrow.

Ordinarily I'd throw him a party for such a record but Buddy Hickerson could fucking care less... about anything.

12-24-09: Ho-fucking-ho.

Hey, Santa! You know what else would be fun? Holding Ollie's head down in a barrel of bat piss while stuffing his butt with pine cones.

Oh, wait... I meant Buddy, not Ollie. After all, it was Buddy Hickerson, cartoon geeenyuss that thought up this horrible cartoon, not imaginary and never-to-be-seen-again little Ollie.

12-25-09: Buddy wakes up, discovers it's Christmas, ruins it for everyone. But it's cool as Santa used the word "dude".

Merry fucking Christmas to you, too, Buddy.

12-26-09: Probation officers are required when you've been sentenced to a crime. The only crime I see here is Buddy practicing cartooning without a sense of humor, or theft of comic readers' time or vandalizing a comics page.


Regurgitation Report: Another three-time-loser. I have actual record of this very cartoon previously appearing in 2000 but it's much older than that. Trust me.

More to the point, this was a record-breaking cartoon for Buddy "Cartoon Geee-nyuss" Hickerson as this is the 183rd recycled Quigmans in 2009. That's more re-used Quigmans than ever before. The previous record was 182 in 2008. Do I detect a trend?

Congratulations, Buddy. You remissive dick.

12-28-09: Gadzooks!

This is retarded even for Buddy. And for that, I apologize to all the retarded people out there for making such a slanderous association.

So how retarded is it?

(1) A snood is an ornamental bag that a confines a lady's hair.
(2) Turkey's do not have fur.
(3) The fleshy doodad that hangs from a turkey's beak is called a "wattle".
(4) To "brandish" means "to wave back and forth". There's no apparant waving here.
(5) The grammar used in this caption is not only tortured, it's waterboarded. A person capable of writing common, simple English might have more accurately phrased it "I'm protesting the grotesque, commercial use of animal fur by donning this turkey wattle."
(6) I hope this young lady's left arm receives medical attention soon.

Retarded. Retarded. Retarded.

12-29-09: The lesson we're learning today, children, is that women are just money-hungry sluts.

Way to appeal to that female demographic, Buddy. You cartoon gee-nyus, you.



Regurgitation Report: This cartoon is from September of 2004. I just checked and there are only four cartoons remaining from that month that have not yet been re-used.

Exciting, huh?

12-30-09: "... I didn't realize that your head would grow to giNORmous, freaktacular proportions."

That's what I'm guessing she said. It could she's asking if it'd be okay to apply the "Face Stuff" to her giNORmous ass. (Face Stuff.. oh, Buddy, you little comic geeee-nyuss you.)

What I'd WISH she's done is apply it to this cartoon and maybe it would have shrunk too small to read.



Sloth Alert: One-time Hickerson cock-holster and animation maven Angela Szyszka penned this lousy gag.

Regurgitation Report: This cartoon makes the 184th recycled Quigmans in 2009. Will Buddy hit 185? Tune in tomorrow.

In case you haven't done the math, 184 comics equals roughly 8 months of syndicated work for most cartoonists. So Buddy is like "dark matter" lazy. I mean, he's lazy in ways the syndicated comic business has never seen before.

12-31-09: Makes you kinda glad the guy didn't ask for the fucking time.

Goodnight, everybody!!!!



Sloth Alert: The person credited with this gag, the mysterious "Nino", only wrote one other joke for Buddy, also in 2004. After seeing what Buddy did with the jape it's no small wonder he quit answering the phone when Buddy called.

Regurgitation Report: This cartoon makes the 185th recycled Quigmans in 2009.

That's like Buddy taking a 7 month vacation from his job. Nice, huh?

The only thing Buddy has less respect for than his work is apparantly his fans.

See you next year.