10-1-08: A Quigmans cartoon is like a malady. In this case, flesh-eating bacteria comes to mind, or possibly bot fly larva, the kind that burrow through the pores in your skin and then eat their way out as raisin-sized grubs once they mature. Or maybe it's more like the Guinea worm, a three-foot monster that lives in your leg muscle, only sticking its head out through an opening in your skin long enough to infect water supplies with its eggs. Yeah, that's what a Quigmans cartoon is like... a three-foot parasite in your leg.



Regurgitation Report: Poor Susan. Little did she know the man who drew her cartoon would be comically tone-deaf.

10-2-08: "Hey, America! Take a gander at my groin.

My groiiiiiiiiiin!

Just imagine what pleasures await on the other side of these stained, threadbare BVD's. It could be a twelve-pound honey-cured ham, it could be a maple-finish what-not shelf, it could even be a three-month supply of Monkey Chow.

But, no, it's my groiiiiiiiiiiiin! My rancid, sweaty, funkalicious groiiiiin!

You can't look away from it, can you? You poor bastard. Its sheer, amorphous bulk is mesmerizing, intoxicating, hypnotic. There is nothing as formidable or intriguing as my groiiiiiiiiiin.

All hail my powerful GROIIIIIIIIIINNNNN!"



Puke Promontory: Oh, look! Here's a picture of me and my groiiiiiiiin from the summer of 2004.

10-3-08: I wonder if Waldo also has feelings of humidity, velocity and/or acuity. I know it sounds stupid but they make about as much sense as "invisibility".

I swear, Bunky has as much command of the English language as a Lebanese fry cook.



Upchuck Update: While Bunky isn't wallowing in feelings of his own inadequacy he's randomly phoning in more back-stock.

10-4-08: You have no idea how much this comic pleases me.

Yesterday, in the 10-3-08 critique (Check the Archives), I posited critically regarding Bunky's clumsy use of the English language and DANG if he didn't prove my point eloquently once again.

If, indeed, Conan truly was a "grammarian" his response would have been more loquacious, generally along the lines of  "You vulgar peasant! This battle is between you and ME. By Crom and the Twelve Gods, I shall see to it that you never sully this fair land with colloquial misuse of prepositions ever again!"

But, no. Instead, we get these semi-quasi-sentence-fragment things. They were obviously chosen because they were easy to write, not because they supported the joke or anything. Mustn't have that.

And what the hell is this "preposition takes object" crappola supposed to mean? Is there some sort of grammatical chess game of which I am unaware? I suspect Bunky has become contaminated by the Sarah Palin Syndrome on top of his Lebanese Fry Cook gene.

Finally, I went to Google and looked up "Conan the Grammarian", limiting the search by including the quotation marks, and received over 5300 results. It seems like almost every serious English Studies graduate alive has already laid claim to that title, so that makes Mr. Conan number 5301st in line.



Sloth Alert: Today's crummy gag was coughed-up by someone named "Movius". Keep up the bad work, chump.

10-6-08: Whooooo-eeeee!

Sarah Palin as a pitbull. Now who would have thought of that besides, you know, EVERYONE?

I used to think Bunky had decent caricature skills but I've seen Peggy Hil drawn much more accurately. (What? That's supposed to be Sarah Palin? Sorry.)

Not to belabour this point, but the actual quote was "I love those hockey moms. You know, they say the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull: lipstick."

And what does that quote have to do with this, uh, cartoon? As usual, Bunky's incisive political wit is off consorting with K Street hookers again just when he needed it most.

The only redeeming quality of this gag is that we'll never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever see it again.

10-7-08: I'm beginning to question my sanity.

It's like when you go into a building that smells like old people and you have to be there for a really long, long time and when you finally leave you realize how fresh and clean the air actually is and you realize how quickly and throughly you habituated to that funky aroma in a really unfortunate fashion so you begin worrying if you'll be like that when you get old and everyone else can smell you but you can't because it's just the way you smell.

Yeah, that's what reading the Quigmans every day can do to your sense of humor.



Regurgitation Report: Hey, guess what? Tomorrow's comic, dated 10-8-08, is an old one from 12-15-00, just three days removed from the inception of today's bafflingly pointless opus.

There's a restaurant in Japan that has taught macaque monkeys to fetch drinks and hot towels for the guests. I wonder if Bunky has a funky little monkey flunky to pick his comics when he's too drunky?

10-8-08: That's Amelia Tamerkind. She's used that same joke every day at the same table in the same restaurant for 8 years and thinks it's hilarious each and every time. Amelia always overtips Steve, her favorite waiter, for always laughing at her little joke but, in fact, it's easy to smile when you know the most hated woman in the world is eating a salad garnished with stuff you've found crawling along the floor of the men's room.

Steve laughs all the way to the bank.



Upchuck Update: Yesterday's Quigmans cartoon originally hailed from 12-12-2000 while today's saw the first light of print three days later, on 12-15-2000. Ooh, I can hardly wait to see which old vintage 2000 Quigmans Bunky dredges up tomorrow. I'm all goose-bumpy with snark-suffused anticipation.

Oh and, hey, let's not forget this gag was written by good old Parkin. Whatever happened to him?

10-9-08: Ohhhhh, I see what Bunky did there.

You see, he took the word "charming" and made it "charmless". Turned it around. Swapped it. Changed it out. The old-switcheroo. The old switcheroonie. The flamflam, the double-shuffle, a little etymologic swindle.

However, that doesn't explain why this withered old crone thinks she can be so picky with men, though. Count yer blessing's, lady. Sean Connery isn't likely to show up on your doorstep any time soon with flowers, a bottle of bordeaux and an oompa-loompa throbbing with monkey glands and Viagra.

10-10-08: According to sources (Thank you, GooglePedia!) it's a common misperception that somnambulist's act out their dreams while sleepwalking. Generally, they just go about their normal, daily routine but have no recollection of their actions once roused to full wakefullness. Essentially, it's like your car driving itself around while you're sleeping but you go out later to take it for a spin only to find all the gas is gone.

What this cartoon is more accurately describing is psychosis.

Way to go, Bunky, you lunkyhead.



Sloth alert: Actually, the nimrod in this equation is "Rocco" who penned this antideluvian gem based on a TV series that's been out of production for seven years. Way to stay current there, Rock-man.

Damn you, Conan O'Brien!

10-11-08: It's a ten kilometer sack race so why is the commentator measuring it in miles?

Here's a little known fact: The first sack races didn't use potato sacks. Scientists have determined that early homo sapiens would employ the scrotum of wooly mammoths in exactly the same way as we do burlap bags today.

Naw, I'm just fucking with you.



Quigmans Puke-tober Fest 2008: This cartoon represents a sort of trifecta for Bunky. He's taken three old cartoons from the 12th through the 15th of December of 2000 (the 13th was a Sunday) and then resyndicated them almost sequentially on the 7th, 8th and 11th of this month, interrupted only by a crummy gag about sleepwalking on the 10th. We'll see what Monday brings.

While I'm on the subject of no-Quigmans Sundays you might find it interesting to know that Bunky has never offered a Sunday version of the Quigs. It could be because he's too lazy but it's probably no one wants to look at that ugly shit on their day off.

10-13-08: Here's how it works... you can marry a giant insect, even the kind that burrows into your ear and lay eggs in your brain, even one that resembles an ambulatory heap of dog turds, but you can't marry a giant GAY insect. That would be wrong in the eyes of the lord.

Aside from the legalities of such a union, we humans have taken to referring to certain selfish, lazy individuals as "louses" precisely because their natural proclivities are so similar to the blood-sucking parasite in question. So to draw a cartoon showing a giant louse who is, presumably, acting like a louse is not only not funny, it's not even a joke. It's like calling a dog a "dog".

However, calling Bunky Hinkerton an "artist" is downright hilarious. I can't stop laughing.

Technical note: Interesting louse, this one, as he has three additional body segments. In addition to a pseudo-thorax he also has a pseudo-abdomen and what appears to be a pseudo-head. But this should come as no great shock as it's drawn by a pseudo-artist with only pseudo-intelligence about non-pseudo-zoology.



Puke-Tober Fest 2008 continues: Drat! I was hoping to see an old Quigman from late 2000 to match the three previous Quigs, but this one is only from 2004.

Dang!

10-14-08: Sorry, but that's a pair of pierced eardrums and a pierced brain, it's not really pierced ears.

I hope you all understand the understated undercurrent of homosexuality that underscores this undertaking. Brokeback Bunky rides again! Understand?



Puke-Toberfest 2008 continues: This gag is even older than the 2-2-01 date indicates. This sucker goes back almost twenty years. This is, for the moment, the only solid record I have of its previous incarnation. But you trust me, right?

Technical Note: You'll notice the smaller, original version of the cartoon immediately to my left features shading on the pants while the newer one doesn't. This is because the cartoon is so old the Zip-A-Tone shading film, in all likelihood, rotted away.

10-15-08: Have you ever left the milk out... on the radiator... for about a week? You will no doubt discover that it will have begun to taste funny.

By the same token, this cartoon is "drawn funny".

'Nuff said.



Puke-Toberfest 2008 continues: Ah! I see Bunky's on a 2001 schedule these days as the past two Quigs are repeats from February of that year.

10-16-08: The Lebanese Fry Cook Syndrome has reared it's ugly head again.

This guard is an imposter who's scared and vain, not a person who's honestly insecure. An insecure person would more likely say something like: "I'm not really sure I'm any good at this line of work, nor are my investments doing very well. In addition, if a tiger were to suddenly make a grab for my giblets I'd be caught totally flat-footed. To top it all off, I think my artificial hip is seconds from suffering a catastrophic structural failure."

You can look it up.



Puke-Toberfest 2008 continues: Thirteen-out-of fifteen Quigmans cartoons this month are reruns. Evidently Bunky is trapped in a well somewhere and Lassie is simply too busy decomposing to help.

10-17-08: Meanwhile, in the back room, the owner is saying to the deliveryman: "This business is a nightmare. All I can manage to hire are angst-riddled, alienated, unmotivated, petulant, poorly-drawn emo burnouts who think there's something more important in life than selling the best damn bear-claw you can."

That being said...

"Mmmmmm. Fascist bear-claws." (Unpleasant gurgling sounds from back of throat.)

As usual, Bunky left out the joke again. I mean, bakery's make cookies, and cookies are formed with cookie-cutters. Duh. Unfortunately for Bunky, formulaic industrial techniques are not always comparable to authoritarian methodology. Even if the owner was a progressive theocratic parliamentarian he could still have a limited, or "cookie-cutter", imagination. More to the point, are we REALLY supposed to empathize with this truculent waif and her unfortunate choice of employment?

Wah-wah-wahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.



Puke-Toberfest 2008 continues: You know that trick where a magician tosses a deck of cards into the air and then throws a knife that magically spears the correct card against the wall? I'm beginning to think that's how Bunky chooses which old Quigmans to re-syndicate. At the very least the mental image is a lot more entertaining than the cartoon.

10-18-08: Don't you just love witless, self-delusive people? It's so easy to mock their inability to cope with life. It's hard to admit but it actually makes a person feel secretly superior to watch these twits struggle with ordinary, mundane tasks.

I am, of course, referring to Bunky Hinkerton and his consistent inability to conjure a half-decent cartoon.

Today's cartoon itself, on the other hand, is pure poodle-poop. Who among us doesn't already know that any guy accessing a late night "phone-dating" service is just a sad, miserable wretch?

(To those who might opine that this is simply a female acquaintance of this poor slob fail to take into account her capability of charging by the minute. Nyahhhh!)

You're a cruel, unimaginative cartoonist, Bunky.



Puke-Toberfest 2008 continues: Thirteen out of fifteen Quigmans cartoons for the month of October are reruns, including this one.

10-20-08: Holy Freaking Mackeral! That's one extra-lousy political cartoon about one extra-lousy political candidate.

(1) If you have to label your caricatures then you're doing it wrong.
(2) Obama had nothing to do with Joe the plumber.
(3) The joke here is the word "toilets". This, my friends, is a political cartoon for 3-year-olds.
(4) The Lebanese Fry Cook Syndrome is back in effect. Ditch the "now,", replace it with "since" and delete the period. Then you might have something that passes for credible English.

10-21-08: Okay, we get it. Betty's not an attractive person.

Actually, that's not true. America Ferrara is endlessly fuckable. It's just SOME people aren't aware of a little something called "make-up".

So, as this is Bunky's second crack at old Betty, I guess we can look forward to "War Atrocity Betty", "Medical Experiment Betty", "Bridget McCain Betty" or, Zeus help us, "Dick Cheney-in-drag Betty" some time in the foreseeable future.

On another note, and ignoring for the moment the atrocious artwork, supposedly implemented to scare children, why would any guy choose to squelch his womanizing? Perhaps if the guy's WIFE hired Betty this gag might make a lick o' sense but the world's laziest cartoonist, Bunky Hinkerton, chose 'Father'.

EHHHHHHH!

Sorry, better luck next time. (But don't get your hopes up.)

10-22-08: Ahhh, the pun. The lowest form of comedy... unless you count the Quigmans. Known around here as the lowest form of tragedy.

Just as a point of fact, "pina colada" means "strained pineapple". "Pinata", however, derives from the Italian word "pignatta", which is a pinecone-shaped clay pot. So this cartoon is about someone bashing their skulls againsta clay pot filled with pineapple. How amusing.



Regurgitation Report: I know these little pictures to your left don't look much different from the cartoon above but that's entirely the point. Although the art is sometimes modified what I'm illustrating is that Bunky simply drags an old cartoon out of the pile and slaps a new date on it.

So the image to the left is not jst a smaller version. If you look closely you can clearly see on the outer edges that the signature and syndication information have been altered. In this case the signature has been moved from lower right to upper left. Why? Who da fuck knows.

10-23-08: Little did the smug, beaming stranger know that Hubert was not one to make an idle threat and later that evening he made good on his promise.

Afterwards, everyone marveled at how shiny and clean the floor looked, and how the room was now suffused with the fresh, minty scent of the great north woods. Yes, everyone agreed, this was a definite improvement. And everyone clapped Hubert on the back and bought him drinks.

Not one person, however, mentioned the large patches of abrased skin and the scattered body parts festering in the darker corners of the bar. Hubert would not have liked that.

10-24-08: Looks like he/she/it/them got the same "Levi Johnston anal probe" as Bristol Palin. Man, that fuckin' redneck'll pork anything.

The cartoon's actual message that (Har-har) all Earthlings are fat is only tangentially amusing to anyone who doesn't realize that 16,000 children die every day from malnutrition. Way to demonstrate some microscopic perspective there, Bunky-boy.

Sloth Alert: This cartoon was written by.... someone. It's difficult to tell who since the byline reads something like "hickerson / moo*7". Considering the result of the gag it's just as well as now the writer can walk the streets free from the fear of ritual stoning.

10-25-08: "Yup. I seen 'em out in 'a woods there. They had theyselves a little table and chairs up along the side of the dang crick and one of 'em even had on a little chef's hat and a little apron. Danged if that apron didn't have some words on it, too, but like I don't read or nothin' so it don't matter none. Probably some stupid frog bullshit.

Anyways, the big chef frog he was standin' there next to a danged old bug zapper with a danged spatula, flippin' over the flies and sprinklin' a little salt and pepper on 'em. It was like a dang old frog barbeque or somethin'. They was juicin' the zapper with an extension cord that lead back out to old man Richards' place, and you shoulda seen the look on his face when I told him what was goin' on out there, right on his own property. So he goes and grabs his scattergun and marches right out there to teach them little green sonsabitches a lesson.

Well, sir, that's when things got a little crazy. Y'see, that's when we found out these dang old frogs had like a whole society out there, with little frog houses and little frog cars and little frog cities an' shit, pardon my French. There was like millions of 'em! And they even had dang old frog armies, too. Old man Richards managed to blast a few of 'em but then his head came right off, slick as a whistle. Them dang old frogs killed old man Richards as God is my dang witness.

Whaddaya mean "fingerprints"? What gunpowder residue? Look, I'm tellin' you, it was the frogs man. The frogs! The dang old FROGS!"

Puke Promontory: This dang old cartoon came all the dang way from dang old 2002. Dang!

10-27-08: Coming soon to a theatre near you it's "The Mole Men Demand Pity Sex!" in glorious Claustro-Vision!

Into a world not of their own making they hurled themselves... weird, twisted beings lurching from the underground parking garage of Deloitte & Touche into the fiery gaze of an unfriendly sun. They came not for conquest or riches, they came seeking love, for only the steaming passions of human females could quench the inferno of their grotesque desires.

SEE! the denizens of the underworld nurse a lukewarm Mr. Pibb for hours!
HEAR! the tedious, hypnotic business-related drone of mutants on the prowl!
WATCH! innocent secretarys invent ludicrous excuses about their sick room-mates!
FEEL! time itself collapse as Agnes from Human Resources performs a nude table dance!
WEEP! as waiters and waitresses alike are abandoned, tip-less.

You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll hurriedly switch to Pearls Before Swine. Don't miss it!

10-28-08: He's looking directly into her chest and saying "My friends". Nothing weird about that.

What's weird is that this lady looks as much like Cindy McCain as Tony Romo resembles Paris Hilton. Cindy weighs about 28 ounces and can be used to pick stuff out of your teeth. Somebody please give Bunky Hinkerton a gift subscription to People Magazine this Xmas.

10-29-08: This is a pretty lousy gag but, sad to say, it's one of mine. However, I wrote it so long ago it could probably vote for Barack Obama.



Sloth Alert: This comic originated in the late 80's/early 90s but I don't have the exact date. For such an admittedly crappy joke it has been syndicated at least four times, the last two occurrences being 11-15-97 and 6-26-02.

BTW, almost every other comic strip is riffing on a Halloween theme. Thank goodness Bunky's there to offer us the finest in escalator gags.

10-30-08: If there's anything about the Quigmans that I like, it's that they make me appreciate better comics. This one makes me miss Edward Gorey, who died in 2000. Now there was a guy who could make carnivorous plants funny.



Regurgitation Report: Another oft-repeated Quigmans. Although last used in 2002 I have on record another iteration of it bearing the date "8-31" though no year is specified. However, I suspect it's from 1997.

10-31-08: Nothing like a big old glass of What The Fuck to wake you up in the morning, and this is as WTF-y as it gets. In fact, this WTF is fortified with vitamin B stupidity and twelve essential amino stupids.

To save you the trouble I did a quick Google of the phrase "transparent bottle" and found... well, transparent bottles. I'm not sure even Bunky knows what this gag is about. As near as I can tell, if the object in question has a cartoon at the top and a caption below then that satifies all of his contractual obligations to his syndicate. Everything else is just more time away from Judge Judy.