12-1-08: Ahhh, the Quigmans. Your one-stop-shop for fat jokes. Our motto is: "If you can't think of anything funny to say, insult someone who's  overweight. They'll thank you for it"



Upchuck Update: This is the 18th recycled Quigmans in a row. The seventh in a row from 2004.

News Flash: Bunky's corpse has been kidnapped. Authorities arrived on the scene of Feldman's Budget Memorial Gardens at 3AM last night to find an empty grave and an open coffin. Also scattered about the gravesite was Bunky's treasured collection of TV Guide crossword puzzles, which had been buried along with him.

There is a reward in the amount of $57 for the return of the body, no questions asked. It is described as a dead guy with his eyes and mouth sewn shut, about 5' 11", wearing a suit coat with no back in it.

12-2-08: Wow! A fat joke from Bunky? That's a first... for today.

Honestly, if Bunky wasn't allowed to make fun of fat people, the mentally handicapped or the crippled we'd all be looking at blank squares in our funny pages at least three times a week.



Regurgitation Report: This is the 19th recycled Quigmans in a row. The eighth in a row from 2004.

News Update: Bunky Hinkerton's corpse is still on the loose. It was last seen heading south in an unlicensed Yugo reported to have been festooned with advertisements for laxatives, feminine hygeine sprays and the McCain/Palin campaign. Caution is advised as the culprits are considered armed and extremely stupid.

12-3-08: Heyyyyyy, guess what? Yes, it's another fat joke. That's three fat jokes in a row, which would ordinarily be considered some kinda record had it not been a Quigmans cartoon instead of, say, any other comic on Earth.

But think about it. If the 'baby' was normally proportioned (it was not a fat baby in the series) the gag would fall flatter than it already does. This is a freak show, and freaks are only funny to other freaks. (See: Family Guy)



Regurgitation Report: This is the 21st recycled Quigmans in a row (I miscounted earlier). The ninth in a row from 2004.

Note: The original cartoon, as you can see, had the explanation "sometime in the future" floating above the heads of the characters. This made sense in 2004 but it would make just as much sense today as "the future", by all appearances, seems to be about 2047. Stoopid.

News Update: Sighting's of Bunky's corpse are coming in from all around the country. A widow in Omaha claims she saw it lying in the road just outside the Piggly Wiggly. A troop of boy scouts in Michigan swore and hope to die that his face appeared in the mirror when they said "Bunky Hinkerton" three times. And a mig-welder in Branson, Missouri found an unidentifed object stuck under the fender of his F100. Analysis is now under way. Stay tuned.

12-4-08: Far be it from me to second-guess a world-class comic gag-writer like Bulky Hiskerton, but since it's clear he intended this guy to be the complete polar opposite of the actual Dog Whisperer then the title of this cartoon should have been "The Dog Worryer". That would have been too oblique for most readers so Bucky obviously just took the stupid way out. Lucky us.

As for the unpleasant, exceptionally low quality of the "art", I've always suspised that Bulky allowed his friends to pinch-hit occasionally, a sort of cheap thrill.

A really, REALLY cheap thrill. Lucky us.




Regurgitation Report: This is the 22th recycled Quigmans in a row. The tenth in a row from 2004.

News Update: Chemical analysis of the formless mass discovered under the Missouri truck's fender turned out not to be the stolen remains of Bucky Hiskerton after all. The decomposing carcass in question turned out to be a Hefty Bag full of weasel intestines, although the resemblance to Mr. Hiskerton is said to be uncanny.

The hunt continues.

12-5-08: The first thing I thought was... "Is he sitting on it?"

Okay, so it's been almost a month since the last new Quigmans cartoon and when we finally get a new one, like today's, it's written by a collaborator. That's like a month of shit sandwiches and then finally getting a sandwich with not quite so much shit in it.

Tassssty.



Regurgitation Report: Hordin is an infrequent contrubitor to the Quigs, his last gag appearing in October of 2007. It was lousy then, too. Trust me.

News Update: A new Quigmans cartoon was published today, indicating that perhaps Busky Hiskerton is not really dead. However, close inspection of the cartoon reveals it was written by someone else. Federal authorities are now investigating the possibility that plagiarists are drawing new Quigmans and foisting them on an unsuspecting public. Stay tuned to Quigmans News for further updates.

12-6-08: As we all know, there's nothing quite so humorous as killing one's own children.



Regurgitation Report: The original cartoon had the woman going by the monniker "Louise" so evidently Bucky sat down and thought to himself, "How can I make this stupid cartoon funny?".

Thus, Merlene was reborn. Still a hunk of insipid tripe, though.

News Update: Evidence of plagiarism in yesterday's Quigmans cartoon has proved inconclusive, but with the appearance today's recycled Quigmans, the 23rd in the last 24 cartoons, the hunt for Bucky Hiskerton's corpse will continue.

Meanwhile, fans of the Quigmans have been been reported laying tributes at the door of Bucky's apartment. So far there's some sort of broken Happy Meal toy, possibly a Pikachu or a well-chewed Furby, and an empty pizza box.

12-8-08: At first glance this cartoon seems like a surprise reunion between Satan and Dr. Phil. Why else would he be shouting the good Dr.'s name like that?

But, no, this is just another example of Bunky's near-legendary sloth as he simply couldn't be bothered to hand-letter the punchline. Without sounding too presumptive here's how the cartoon should have been treated if Bunky had given half a damn:

First, the caption should explain the setting in a humorous way... "Satan and his 537th wife consult Dr. Phil in an episode concerning proper soul-reaping etiquette."

Then Satan's complaint would be in a proper speech bubble over his head, stating: "That's right! Demonize me! Like I'm the bad guy here!"

My day job. I can still has it.



Upchuck Update: This is the 24th recycled Quigtoon out of the last 25, and the last twelve re-used cartoons have all been from 2004.

Hiskerton Deathwatch: All heads pointed towards Watauga, Texas this afternoon as it has been revealed that a pimple, allegedly belonging to the recently deceased body of Buddy Hiskerton, has been discovered on a What-A-Burger bathroom mirror in this sleepy little bedroom community. Rumor has it that a matching blackhead was also found on a nearby hand dryer. Authorities have definitively concluded that neither tastes like chicken.

Stay tuned to this web site for further details.

12-9-08: How is that two adults, people in their 40s and 50s, thought this was anything like a real joke? It was written by Angela Szzyszka, that legendary animation mogul and once-upon-a-time main squeeze of Mr. Hinkerton.

I guess it just goes to show that the one with the pussy makes all the rules.



Upchuck Update: This one looks suspiciously recycled, evidenced by the "Szzyszka" byline, but I have no record of it in my files, so I'm going to label it a "push".

Hinkerton Deathwatch: Leading scientists have begun to speculate whether Bunky Hinkerton may be caught in a quantum quandry, that he is simultaneously alive and dead. I should add that these are the same geniuses that championed New Coke, Betamax and sub-prime mortgages.

Just forget I said anything.

12-10-08: Hey, good lookin' women! When was the last time you read a soulless, unsavory comic strip like the Quigmans?

Never?

Smart girls.



Upchuck Update: Compare the bottom word balloons of the cartoon above with the original version (from 3-15-00) to your left. For some mysterious reason, which we mere mortals can only speculate upon, Bucky removed the words "A lot!". My guess is that this is his idea of "improving" the gag. Next time do us all a favor and remove all of the words, Buck.

Hickerman Deathwatch: Seven Sudanese slave-traders were subdued in Sioux City, South Dakota.

That is all.

12-11-08: Artist creates cartoon featuring man threatening woman with a chainsaw.

Nope, no disturbing psychological message in that.



Upchuck Update: It's comparison time. Evidently Bunky was just too pressed for time, what with it being "Saved By The Bell" week on Celebrity Rehab and all, so he wasn't too careful about scraping off the old shading film on the original cartoon in order to cram in the new date and syndicate info. You can see huge swaths of it sliced off on either side of the original cartoon above.

It's such lack of attention to detail that makes me wet myself in glee like a drunken monkey.

Hickerman Deathwatch: According to our most reliable sources, Bunky Hinkerton.... is still dead.

12-12-08: The object in question here is called an "iron maiden". It is a medieval torture device.

The Quigmans, on the other hand, is a contemporary torture device.



Regurgitation Report: This is a new Quigmans cartoon but the gag was writtten by the enigmatic"Hordin". This means Bunky hasn't written a new Quigmans joke since early November. Way ta show pride in your work, baby!

Hickerman Deathwatch: All hopes of recovering Mr. Hiskteron's stolen corpse are diminishing with each passing day. The trail is getting cold and tips from the public are  decreasing in number by the hour. But we here at Deathwatch Central will stay at our posts until the very end, reporting any sensationalist trash that lands on our desk, until the advertisers quit buying time. Such is the American Way of news reporting. This segment brought to you by Frito Lay's new Sub Prime Fiesta corn chips.

12-13-08: No.

Just... no.



Regurgitation Report: More abuse from 2004. What'd we ever do to it?

Hickerston Deathwatch: Closed for the holidays.

12-15-08: Wow! Almost forty days and forty nights without a new gag from Bunky and this pointless jape is the best he can come up with? Musta been a Celebrity Rehab marathon last month.

BTW, the ugly guy on the left? That's a self-portrait of old Bunky-boy. He drags this character out every now and then as sort of a self-referential joke. The nose is way too large but, for the most part, that's our little cartoonist.



Hickerston Deathwatch: Well, what do you know. Bunky's not dead after all. It must have been some sort of internet hoax. Better luck next time.

12-16-08: And what did we learn?

That visual metaphors aren't suitable replacements for funny gags.



Sloth Alert: Another lame premise conceived by semi-frequent contributor, Hordin. Birds of a feather, etc.

12-17-08: Dad had his "hip replacement surgery" replaced by a bowling ball? I would've liked to have seen that.

You see, usually you just have the hip itself replaced, not the procedure itself.

This isn't so much a failure of the medical community or of Bunky's English skills as it is of Bunky's not really giving a shit about what he writes.



Upchuck Update: This makes thirteen old Quig cartoons from 2004 used in the past six weeks. I detect a trend, not unlike pet rocks.

12-18-08: Thank goodness the “nuclear missile” label is printed upside-down or else I would have never gotten the joke. Now that I know that millions of innocent people are going to die in a nuclear holocaust I can hardly stop laughing.

Sigh.



Upchuck Update: This makes fourteen old Quig cartoons from 2004 used in the past six weeks. Is it just me or does it smell like old socks in here?

12-19-08: Whenever I saw a movie trailer for Beverly Hills Chihuahua I threw up a little in my mouth.

I just threw up a lot.

12-20-08: Ahhh, there's nothing like a vision of latchkey kids, doing sugar-free Jell-O shots and gettin' it on to the haunting refrains of "The Farmer in the Dell" to bring a nostalgiac smile to one's face.


Regurgitation Report: This is one of those particularly insipid, instantly forgettable Quigs that required a visit to the archives to ascertain that it was, indeed, just another recycled 'toon.

12-22-08: There are many sources on the 'net where you can read syndicated comics but Gocomics.com is the only one I know of which allows user commentary. As you might guess I have taken the opportunity there to advise an entirely new slice of the internet when Bucky re-uses another old comic. At first my entries were met with skepticism but once the other users had visited quigmans.com they understood the scope of my position and began to side with me.

Today's cartoon, the one above, elicited an odd positive response from the majority of those commenting upon it. It's clear to me that the enjoyment they received from the comic derived entirely from Mr. Bush's ridicule as there's no real joke present. This is reportage, not humor.

After a fairly mild rebuke of the cartoon ("Today, in a stunning reversal of a long-cherished platitude, Buddy Hickerson proves that a picture can indeed be worth less than a thousand words.") I received a couple of juvenile resonses along the lines of "you're just jealous". Sigh.

I then took a moment to put the cartoon in better perspective. And here it is:

"I’ve seen funnier stuff than this excised from cancer patients. I can find more significance or substance in the bottom my cat’s litter box.

This kind of awful gag makes me depressed in the same way I’m saddened walking past those poor old people being squeezed of their last drop of vitality and humanity as door greeters for Walmart.

This comic was created by someone who’s long forgotten what humor is and obviously has no stomach or talent to go the extra mile to exceed his limitations. This cartoon, in particular, is pure schadenfreude, appealing to a third-grader’s level of sophistication.

In closing, I wouldn’t wipe my butt with this puerile jape as it would only leave my derriere that much dirtier."

---------

I should add that I could make this same criticism of every Quigmans cartoon. But that would get boring for both you and me.

12-23-08: It's like "the changing of the guard" except instead of portraying a formal ceremony in which sentries are ceremoniously relieved by a new batch of sentries this cartoon makes fun of women with crippling emotional imbalances.

Let the good times roll.



Puke Patrol: What can I say? Another day, another crappy recycled Quigmans cartoon.

12-24-08: Here's something special for Christmas from the seemingly laziest cartoonist in the biz, a lump of smelly coal that's been used twice before. It first appeared on 12-18-98 and then was used again 2-4-04.

Happy Festivus, everyone!



Puke Patrol: And don't forget to notice the tell-tale degradation, in the form of a moire pattern, of the twice-scanned shading film in today's edition.

12-25-08: Another charming holiday message from Captain Buzzkill.



Puke Patrol: Wow. Bucky must be really proud of this one as he only waited about 1000 days between uses.

Thanks a heap, Cap'n!

12-26-08: This, boys and girls, is an example of how humor doesn't work.

First, if Shorty is totally hot then why isn't Ms. Sniffy in the toilet stall with him at this very moment sharing coke and a little DNA?

Second, why does this gag put so much emphasis on a dog's predilection to sniff when this cartoon is clearly just a bunch of humans in dog suits. Music, lights, food, clothing, English conversation. Yes, there's clearly more going on here than just 75 million years of canine instinct.

Finally, why make Shorty such an ugly dweeb. The "joke", such as it is, would have actually worked better if Ms. Hot-to-Trot had been referring to the taller dog.

If there's some factual evidence suggesting female dogs prefer hideous mates I've yet to hear of it.

Epic fail.



Regurgitation Report: The gag for this cartoon was written by Bucky's little pal Martin and the first time I saw it his accreditation was so horribly hand-mangled by Bucky that I recorded it as "Moffin". Frankly, Marty, I'd have left it as it was. It must have been embarrassing enough the first time around.

12-27-08: Since when did we start using vultures as measuring sticks for age? For all that we know female vultures may find our little avian pal here to be totally freaky-hunky, regardless of his age.



The Puke Patrol: Bunky's been digging through his 2005 back-issues lately, this one being from April 11th of that year.

In case you're interested, of the past 49 Quigmans cartoons, encompassing all of November and most of December, only nine are new for this year and only one of those was written by Bunky himself.

One crummy new joke in two months.

You suck, Buddy.

12-29-08: Another three-time-loser, not written by Bucky, having appeared in '99, '04 and now '08.

The '99 version was syndicated by LA Times Syndicate, the 2004 version by Tribune Media Syndicate and the current version by Creators Syndicate. It's a charming picture of the downward spiral of a lousy cartoonist.

One more thing... I found the following at a site called toplessrobots.com, written by a fellow Dallasite. The discussion concerned comics whose day is long past:

"One of the strips worthy of inclusion that I was actually glad to see wasn't on the list, The Quigmans, gives me hope. It means that so few papers even bother to run that piece of garbage, and thereby let Buddy Hickerson get away with recycling the same gags over and over (quite literally, as the reason why he hasn't put out a Quigmans collection since 1991 is because then fans would realize how often he reuses previously published strips), that it'll fall into limbo just out of a lack of papers willing to keep it on the comics pages. Maybe then, Hickerson will go back to a career more suited for his abilities, such as sucking farts out of dead cats."

And, as if to make matters more fun:

From comicscommunity.com on today's cartoon:

"Not only is this strip ugly in its drawings, not frequently funny, but Buddy Hickerson couldn't even make the effort to complete (syndicate) this panel last week, when it was topical!" - Bob Ingersoll



The Regurgitation Report: I wonder how good old Angela Szzzyszka feels about Bucky, her old beau, dredging up her old cartoons? Surely by now she's knocking boots with some new, less cretinous male acquaintance.

And how does New Boyfriend feel about Old Boyfriend sucking up to Old Girlfriend? Must be awkward.

12-30-08: This cartoon brings a few points of conjecture immediately to mind...

(1) The legendary snowman we all know and love from both literature and song was not named Jack Frost. His name was Frosty the Snowman.

(2) There was a movie called "Jack Frost" which featured a killer snowman. This ain't that snowman.

(3) There was another movie starring Michael Keaton, also titled called "Jack Frost" but this ain't that snowman, either.

I think it's safe to say that the reason this snowman is called Jack Frost is because Bucky's brain has turned to yogurt, and I don't mean the good, organic kind. I'm specifically referring to the overly-processed kind that's mostly fat and sugar and will rot your guts from the inside out.

One more thing... I wonder which entity is more surprised here --- Nixon, upon encountering a talking snowman or the snowman himself, meeting the corpse of a man who's been dead for thirteen years.

Epic Fail.

12-31-08: What more appropriate way to sum up the year at Quigmans.com than to go out on another sorry, recycled Quigmans cartoon, this one from 1-29-04. That makes 179 recycled cartoons out a possible 314 for the year.

Friends, whatever your opinion is of Mr. Hinkerton it's clear that he is no longer a professional cartoonist. This is a man with a hobby, and that hobby is pretending he's a professional cartoonist.


Regurgitation Report: Gird your loins, folks! There's more fun to come at the Quigmans Vomitorium in 2009.