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Each
gag listed below indicates a Quigman's comic recycled by
Buddy in 2002.
Caption in blue indicates dates of previous
use or re-use of gag.
Captions in yellow indicate joke originally
written by Mike Stanfill
Captions in red indicate
joke originally written by collaborator
2002 results: Buddy reused 48 old Quigmans,
or about 15%.
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January
3: Amoeba
Dorks: "Woo! It must be protoplasm 'cause jelly don't shake like
that!"
January 4: Overly
thorough, lesser-known, Founding Father Clive Fishburn delivers his
Preposition Proclamation. (Previously
used 5-26-93)
January 10: "You are what you eat" "So that means you
you just ate an overweight, balding man with over-sized pores, huh,
Dad?"
January 15: Dr.
Kevorkian in the Sears automotive department. "It took me a while,
but I finally managed to kill this Die-Hard."
January 23: Lassie covers her butt. (later re-used
1-5-07)
January 25: Frank's performance is about to be panned. (Later
re-used 1-13-07)
January 29: "Omigod! The RAIN! My leather bar - it's RUINED!" (Later
re-used 8-7-08)
January 30: Why
the chicken crossed the road: "Well, officer...I overtorqued
the engine while downshifting and had to bump-steer her into a tree."
January 31: "It says here you were a fire
juggler...your reasons for being laid off?" (szyszka)
(Later re-used 8-21-07) |
February 2: "Don't be so impressed. Rumor has it he takes pesticides.
(later reused 12-7-06)
February 4: "We've done it, Bob! We've
discovered nitroglycerin!". (Re-used
later 12-20-06)
February 5: "Counselor will refrain from leading on the witness!"(Later
re-used 4-15-03)
February 8: Bob found that the combination of angel food cake and
deviled eggs caused not only gastroenteritis, but also a deep inner
spiritual turmoil. (Used again 1-2-07)
February 11: "It's not so much a gun as it is an economic stimulus
package." (later re-used 7-26-08)
February 14: Cupid shoots man in head w/arrow --- Cupid:"Oops!" (later
re-used 2-13-2010)
February 15: "Ever since Mother turned 50 she's been goin' through
the change. On the upside, we've got fewer bugs." (later
re-used 6-29-07)
February 16: Bob had slid so deep into the New Age movement that he
began to sport a crystal chandelier.
February 26: "I'm very lucky! I'm over 40 and I've still kept
most of my hair." (Later re-used 1-17-07)
February 27: "Not only am I a commercial-free
bum, but at the hundred dollar level, you get my free CD, 'Will Work
for Funk.'"(Later re-used 5-23-07)
February 28: "I'm sorry...I can't give
you the first minute free...I'm not that kind of girl." |
March 2: "Oh
please, Cedric. Must you turn every argument we have into a psychodrama?" (later
re-used 12-11-08)
March 5: "Frida's divorcing me because I tried to spice
up our marriage. My mistake was using Ginger." (later
re-used 4-4-06, 1-28-2010)
March 6: "Bob,
before we go too far...we must remind ourselves that the wages of
sin are death."
March 8: 1st National Cockroach Bank -
"Nobody move...I've got a shoe!"
(Previously used 8-27-97)
March 9: Mr. Know-it-all's Mom. (Last
used 9-15-87, 9-23-97)
March 13: "I am really going to miss that Joan of Arc. What a
beautiful sultry woman." ( last used 7-29-97)
March 23: "Tonight begins a 13-part series
based on a novelization of a miniseries based on a pilot for a midseason
replacement based on an in-depth expose' on redundancy!"
(First appearance 4-16-88, Last used 6-25-97.
Later re-used 3-4-09)
March 25: Mr. Potato Head: "All right, who else wants a piece
of me?" (Jones) (Later re-used 1-8-07)
March 28: "I just wanna get something straight. I'm more than
just a pretty face - I'm a spokesmodel." (Later
re-used 1-25-08) (Szyszka)
March 30: 2 babies -"I figured it out, Sid...it's all about change." |
April1: "Well,
no wonder you've been drinking so much since the operation...I
left
my surgical sponge in your stomach! Ha! Ha! Ha!" (Later
re-used 3-3-09)
April 4: Godzilla in
Venice. (Last used 6-10-97)
April 5: It is said that everyone has their moment in the spotlight.
(Last used 4-8-97)
April 6: "Not only is my new girlfriend here twice as bright
as the last one, but she has a flicker-free, high-resolution, flat
screen head." (Later re-used 6-22-07)
April 9: "They say the eyes are the windows to the soul, Freddy.
Good thing you're wearing shades." (Later
re-used 8-10-07)(schechter)
April 12: "I'm sorry, sir, but your future was declined." (Later
re-used 8-26-08)
April 16: "Stan Fletcher! I haven't seen you in 47 years! Geez,
ya look great, haven't changed a bit!" (Later re-used 7-10-08)
April 22: "Actually, Middelman, we're
firing you for medical reasons...we're sick of you!" (First
used 1-6-88. Later re-used 2-23-08) (Stanfill)
April 23: "It's the ultimate grab for attention as Marcie takes
the word 'Blazer' literally." (Later re-used
1-3-07)
April 25: "Va va voom! What's that new scent you're wearing?" (Last
appeared 11-21-87)
April 27: The home team sends in the designated
Hitler. "Today...first base...tomorrow...the American League
West!" |
May 1: The closest
Bob ever came to romance was courting financial disaster. (Original
syndication date 10-6-87, later re-used 1-19-08)
May 3: "I've never seen a woman mace a man that quick...Y'know,
Suzie... this town needs a sheriff..." (later
re-used 12-15-06)
May 4: "I'd love to show you that crime scene footage, Bill...but
unfortunately, our hidden camera was hidden so well...we can't seem
to find it." (Later re-used 1-10-08)
May 8: Man with huge hands---"As an actor, your style is a little
heavy-handed, Steve...Have you ever considered a career as a grip?"
(Later re-used 4-11-07)
May 10: Snowman with extra carrots stuck all over him -- "Cool
piercings, Stan." (later re-used 1-22-2010)
May 11: Bob participates in the rollicking new happy hour game, Pinata
Colada. (Later re-used 10-22-08)
May 21: "I think we've found something in your price range -
the 1994 Ford Attempt." (Later re-used 10-16-07)
May 23: "She's wearing colors that in nature usually signal 'I
am an alluring yet highly poisonous tree frog, beware!'"
(Later re-used 10-12-07)
May 25: The Termite Family - "I know the budget is tight, Honey...but
particleboard again?" (later re-used 1-12-10)
May 30: "A vin rose' for the lady, and a local anesthetic for
me." (Last appeared 3-20-1987)
May 31: "Hey
Bernice! How long do ya want yer dragonfly zapped." (Later
re-used 10-25-08) |
June 3: Jerry loved
the smell of a new car. (The original
said "Moe" instead
of "Jerry". Later re-sued 1-27-2010)
June 6: "Why don't you lollygaggers join the army? That's the
trouble with kids today...No backbone!" (Later re-used 4-26-08)
June 7: "I'm gonna be SO mad when my mood elevators wear off."
(Later re-used 12-21-06)
June 12: Dragons at home -- "Dammit, Harry! That smoke alarm
is driving me crazy!" (Later re-used 12-19-06)
6/14: "No, no...you've got me all
wrong. I love you. i need you. I want to spend the rest of my afternoon
with you." (Later re-used 7-14-7)
June 21: Smokey the Bear - "I ate that Give a Hoot, Don't Pollute
Owl. And I picked my teeth with his little protest sign." (Used
again 1-20-07)
June 22: "I don't know about Ralph. He's got a shifty smile.
See?" (Later
re-used 9-24-08)
June 24: "I've been reconsidering my career choice, Chief...and
what I really want to do is direct." (Later
re-used 11-9-07)
June 26: Bob is hopelessly trapped on a jammed
escalator. (Also
appeared 11-15-97 and 10-29-08)
June 27: "Check it out! Chuckie got suspended!"
(last appeared 10-20-97)
June 29: "Well, Guy...we've just survived
a nuclear holocaust! Looks like it's Miller Time!" (Previously
used 10-7-97) |
| July 2: The
Texas Amnesia Center - "It's highly tragic...They've all forgotten
the Alamo."
July 3: "I
like Frieda. I know she's not all that cute...but she does have
lots of cute friends, which makes her cute adjacent."
(Later re-used 1-6-07)
July 4: "Unhand
her! Sorry, we're fillin' in for Spiderman, who's on a publicity
tour. I'm Head Lice Man and this is Dung Beetle
Boy..." (Later re-used 4-12-08)
July 5: "You
just have to know where to scratch him." (later
recycled 12-8-09)
July 6: "Order!
Order! Counselors will refrain from conducting themselves in this
manner!" (Later re-used 3-18-08)
July 13: The Three Elderly
Pigs - "Not by the gray hair of three or four chinny-chin-chins!"
(Last used 7-26-97)
July 15: "Isn't that cute? The miniature fire department is
rescuing that tiny cat from my bonsai tree." (Later
re-used 10-13-07)
July 16: "If
that's the Fish-of-the-Month Club, I'm not home!" (Previously
used 10-8-97)
July 18: "No! You'll kill it! Get out of my plant, Bob! You're
way too high in saturated fat!" (Previously
used 8-18-98, later re-used 10-30-08)
July 19: "It happens at the same time every year, officer...his
clothes just fall off. I think it's because he was raised in
a tree nursery."(Szyszka) (Later re-used 1-10-09)
July 20: "Mom!
Dad! I'd like you to meet Gretchen, my virtual reality girlfriend."
(First used 5-7-93, last used10-4-97)
July 22: "Fearful of potential fallout, Suzie is sporting
the biohazard frock for summer. So, look out, toxic waste...this
girl
is in style and insulated!" (later re-used 9-10-08)
July 23: "When you can't afford insurance, we do a different
kind of bypass operation...we bypass you." (later
reused 5-31-07)
July 24: Doctor
- "I'm sorry, Mr. Early Bird. But I'm afraid you have worms."
(Previously used 12-13-97)
July 25: Frog to frog-friend - "I'm telling ya, Nick...you
keep up the hard core club-hoppin', yer gonna croak." (Szyszka)(Later
re-used 8-19-08)
July 30: "Don't
you think we've had a storybook romance, dear?" "Only
if you're the wicked witch and I'm the flying monkey."
(Later re-used 8-1-07) |
August 1: "Hey
there, Mister...did you bring all this warm weather with you?" (waldon) (Later re-used 11-7-09)
August 2: "I
had this rearview mirror installed so I can see if society is
tryin'
to sneak up on me." (later re-used3-13-08)
August 3: "Now when you told me this stuff would shrink
my pores..." (Later
re-used 12-30-09) (szyszka)
August 5:
"This DVD actually has a commentary from the director, cast,
crew, their relatives, trash collectors and a bug that was almost
swatted during the shoot." (re-used 10-20-07)
August 8: "I told you since you lost all that weight there are
certain things you can't swallow...tic tacs being one of them." (Later
re-used 2-16-08) (grieco)
August 10: "I'm sorry, Bob...but I don't
believe in marrying below my class. Not mention phylum, order, genus,
or species."
August 13: Even when a woman actually liked Timmy, it still wasn't
all that great. (later re-used 12-7-09)
August 15: "I...I think I love you, Lisa..do you feel the same
connection with me?" "I'm sorry...all circuits are currently
busy...please try again later." (later re-used
5-18-07)
August 17: Stork kid -"Hey, Dad! Where'd
I come from?" Stork Dad -"The pediatrician! Yeah! That's
it! The pediatrician!" (Previously used
12-4-97)
August 21: Guests - "Hey, Bob...we like the way you decorated
your house with these beanbag chairs." Bob - "Uh, actually,
I just haven't taken out the trash."
August 22: "I realize you have plans on
my daughter, but you could at least have the decency to use water-based
paint." (Previously used 7-15-87)
August 24: psychiatrist: "First off, we need to kill the impulse
to rip up our Anger Workbook." (last appeared
10-4-99)
August 28: "I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve for you, Francine...consequently,
I don't have long to live." (later re-used 6-12-08)
August 31: Fakir on bed of nails - "You
kids have it made. When I was your age we didn't have enough money
for a bed of nails. We had to make do with whatever we could find.
Thumbtacks, staples, clothepins, velcro, crackers... I remember one
long winter I had to kiss up to a man with a hangnail." (Previously
used 4-12-97) |
September 3:
"I know it's an unconventional body style, but this baby can
sure fishtail." (Later re-used 4-21-07)
September 4: Amy's Health Food - "I'd like a giant, fat-encrusted
cheeseburger, but hold the cheese and just squirt some yogurt in it."
9/6: The danger of urban slang. "What's goin' on? I told you
two to 'get busy'!" (Later re-used 8-14-07)
September 7: Chicken to roasted chicken - "Lay off the heavy
stuff, Bill...you're starting to look fried."
September 11: Cave woman to friend - "Watch out for Thor..he's
so unpopular with the ladies he has to beat 'em down with a stick."
(Later re-used 5-11-07)
September 12: "These people are having the time of their lives.
They're young, good-looking...guess those days are over for us...eh,
Sam?" "We never had those days, Bill." (Later
re-used 5-10-07)
September 13: "Thanks for the nice time, Stan. I'd ask you in
but my life's a mess." (Later re-used 9-19-08)
September 17: Louie's Pork Hut. Sign on door- "Sorry, we're open."
(Later re-used 6-20-07)
September 19: Bachelor Competition - "And now, the final bachelor
test...the ability to determine how clean his shirt is simply by smelling
it." (Actually, just a repurposing of an earlier, but similar,
joke)
September 28: He not only discovered electricity,
he brought the dead back to life! He's...Ben Franklinstein! (debuted
in the early 90s but also used 4-5-97 and 11-13-08)
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October 4:
Bum holding sign towards beautiful young girl- "If you lived
with me, you'd be home by now." (Later re-used
6-15-07)
October 5: Apathetic Morons Convention - "I don't know and I
don't care. Thank you!"
October 9: Earl knew he was in trouble when it really WAS the gin
talking. (Later re-used 6-16-08)
October 10: Boy Scouts, 2002 - "...and
this one's for insider trading, this one's for toxic waste removal,
and this one's for religious extremism..." (Last
used 4-28-93, 8-13-97)
October 11: Man smacking judge on bench. Lawyer -"Well, that's
gotta hurt our case." (later re-used 2-2-2010)
October 14: Doctor- "Before we get started, you might like to
know that I'm one doctor out of five who never agrees." (Later
re-used 1-4-08)
October 15: Rabbit kid- "Hey, Pop...why
don't us rabbits live very long?" Rabbit Dad - "Well, Timmy...the
child support usually does us in."
October 16: Judge - "I've seen some low tactics in my time, counselor...but
dressing your client up as a sad clown..."
(Later re-used 10-9-07)
October 20: "Greetings! I'm Senator Bilgewater of the House Appropriations
Committee. I'll take the TV!" (Later re-used
10-18-07)
October 22: Amoeba Fashion Show - "...and Helen steps into steps
into spring in a racy 2-piece outfit of ribonucleic acid and DNA molecules...the
perfect ensemble for cellular mitosis."
October 28: Baby monitor - " Baby loves mommy better than daddy,
doesn't he? Yes! 'Cause daddy's a big, fat loser! Yes, he is!"
(Later re-used 6-16-07)
October 30: Waiter - "Who had the Mickey Mousse?"
October 31: Rat at modeling agency - "I'm not saying you don't
have great teeth, but...first of all, have you ever tweezed in your
life?" (Later re-used 1-1-07) |
November 1:
Man w/TV strapped to head. Woman - "Say! This relationship
just might work!" (Later re-used 3-19-09)
Novermber 7:
Lucy:"Oh my god! What happened to you, Benny?You look anorexic!" Benny: "I'm
starving myselg until you decide to live me again, Lucy." "Lucy: "Well...you
can never be too thin."(Later re-used 5-17-08)
November
12: Giant aliens eating Earth - "I love a nice continental breakfast."
November 13: Hair salon -"I don't care how adamant she was...never
glue the hair back on!" (Later re-used
8-23-08) (Szyszka)
November 14: "Wow, Gus! If I stand close enough to you I can
hear the ocean." (later re-used 6-20-08)
November 15: "I don't know, suzie. These Chip N' Dale dancers
are not that sexy." (Previously used 7-15-1997)
November 23: Lisa Lutz, Dentist/Lawyer - "Can't talk now, Lenore..I'm
retaining water, I'm on retainer, and I'm putting IN a retainer!"
November 27: Bob Quigman is kicked out of the weight room for doing
the wrong set of curls. (hair joke) (Previously
used 9-16-95)
November 30: Gunter was so cheap and selfish,
he trimmed his moustache with the climate-endangered razor-billed
auk. (Later re-used 8-7-07) |
| December
2: Lou's Garage - "If it ain't
broke, we haven't worked on it." (Later
re-used 12-5-06)
December 3: Inmates and a rat - "I don't get it...every time
we make an escape plan, the guards seem to know about it."
(Later re-used 1-2-08)
December 7: Legendary undergarment pirates (Long John Silver, Boxer
Shorts Pete, Bikini Brief Billy, French Negligee' Nick.) (Previously
used 4-30-96)
December 9: Airport - "Attention...do not leave baggage unattended.
It will be immediately confiscated and may be destroyed." Woman
to boyfriend - "Uh, Wait here, Honey. I'll be right back." (Re-used
6-7-08)
December 11: Fat Waldo - "...so my feelings of invisibility
drove me to overeat." Girl-"Well, Waldo...On the bright
side, you're not so hard to find anymore." (later re-used
10-3-08)
December 12: "If you don't stop floundering,
Blevins, I'm going to have to skin you, filet you and grill you
up with some lemon juice." (later re-used 9-20-07)
December 16: Einstein in Therapy; "Don't
get smart with me!" (Later repeated 5-4-07)
December 17: Dingo Baby-Sitting Service. (Later
repeated 9-12-07)
December 20: Psychiatrist convention: "Everyone's crazy except
us. Thank you and good night." (later re-used 11-13-09)
December 21:
Man to girl duck: "I can't help but think you only like me
for my ripped-up little pieces of bread." (Later re-used
1-16-08)
December 27: "You'll have to excuse Winthrop...he's
part cat." (Later re-used 6-8-07)
December 31: "I'd buy you a drink but I'm wating for this
stinkin' economy to turn around." (Later re-used 3-7-09)
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