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Each
gag line listed below indicates a Quigmans recycled by
Buddy in 2000.
Captions in orange indicate joke originally
written by Mike Stanfill
Names in red represent
gags written by collaborators.
2000
results: Buddy reused 77 old Quigmans, or about 25%. |
January
3: Eve: "I lost the 'Ms. Garden
of Eden' contest when they found I'd posed clothed for PLAYBOY. (Stanfill)
January 7:
Dog - "I
guess you might say I specialize in lawn ornaments." (szyszka) (
later re-sued 6-19-04)
January 8: "These Japanese dogs
are great!"(Stanfill)
January 11: News Report: "Cuddles, the Fabric Softener Bear,
went berserk today..." (Last used 7-8-95)
January 12: "Your parenting has inspired Zoid and I so much,
we decided to get some babies, too. See? (later
-re-used 11-9-04)
January 15: "Tell me, Chuckles, have you been seriousing around
behind my back?" (originally syndicated
8-5-95)
January 17: "Every time you get me alone you try and take home
court advantage of me." (originally syndicated
6-10-95)
January 19: Automatic Tattle-Teller Machine. "He's overdrawn.
That's not his real hair." (originally syndicated
7-1-95)
January 21: RipVan Winkle's slumber party.
(Last used 7-13-95)(Stanfill)
January 25: Since the dawn of
caller I.D., Bob had lost all hope of ever having a second date. (szyszka) (
later re-used 5-3-05)
January
27: Octopus secretary - "She not much to look at, but she's one
heckuva little worker." (szyszka) (later
re-used 1-8-05)
January 29: Low Life Insurance -"Our policy
will insure you against baths, libraries, and public television." (Originally
syndicated 3-26-87)(Stanfill)
January 31:"I want to get in touch with
my inner self .. but the line's always busy." (Little) (later
re-used 5-7-05)
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February 2: "I
see you've developed a broader base, Quigman." (Fat ass
joke.) (later re-used 8-2-06)
February 5:
Sports for Masochists: "Hey, why are the cleats on the inside?"(Stanfill)
February 8: Cows. "Gladys, this is Ethyl. My half-and-half sister." (originally
syndicated 12-18-95)
February 9: "No worries tonight... Bob is wearing his politically
corrective shoe." (later re-used 1-4-06)
February 10: Francine knew Bob's face with the back of her hand.
February 11: "Hey, Portland! We're the Dow Jones Industrialists!
Thanks for investing in us! We'll give you a fixed rate of interest
of return,
but your interest may fluctuate..." ( later
re-used 2-1-06)
February 12: It didn't take Bob long to count his lucky stars. "Well,
hey! The sky is completely empty!" (originally
syndicated 3-24-96, later reused 12-21-05)
February 14: "I call Pete my Dream
Man, because I'm hoping he'll disappear when I wake up." (Last
used 10-22-97, later re-sued 5-6-2006)(Stanfill)
February 16: Francine's last resort: the hamburger-shaped Bobzapper. (Szyszka)(later
re-used 7-13-05)
February 17:
Clinically Insane Ventriloquists - "Okay, class, today we'll
learn to throw the voices in our heads." (Brown) (later
re-used 3-15-07)
February
18:
Dogs - "C'mon, Scruffy! You're all hopped up on Jerky Treats!
Gimme your collar! Friends don't let friends chase cars drunk." (later
re-used 7-22-05)
February 19: "Awright, maggots,
pay attention to Mr. Whiskers here..."(Stanfill)
February
21:
Sign on truck - "Warning: Driver makes wide turns, weaves insanely,
and careens off cliff." (parkin) (later
re-used 9-11-07)
February 22: "He's not user-friendly. Could I get a free upgrade?" (Szyszka) (later
re-used 4-29-06)
February
25:
Police line-up with nerds - "So which one of dese guys tampered
with your bits?" (Szyszka) (later
re-used 1-7-06)
February 26: "Bob tries the taditional, love-snaring neck bloat
of the common toad."
February 29: Free Association, Inc. |
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March
3:
Dog with drinks at bar- "Stay away from him. He hasn't
had his shots." (later re-used 3-9-07)
March
4:
To computer - "You're sweet ... but I really need
someone more compatible with Windows 2005." (later
re-used 7-19-05)
March
6:
Man: "I want change." Tollbooth lady - "Cut
your hair, lose 30 pounds and move to Wisconsin." (Parkin) (later
re-used 3-23-07)
March
8:
Used car salesman marriage proposal - "I know it's
a tough decision, Marcie, but i come with a 5-year warranty
and you can get me in taupe. Why don't you step into my
managers office and discuss my numbers?" (later
re-used 3-21-07)
March 10: Private School
Bully. (Originally syndicated 3-23-87)
March 11: Snow White and the Seven Politically
Correct Dwarfs.(Stanfill) (Originally
syndicated 6-25-93)
March
13:
How you know the People's Choice Awards have too many categories
- "...and the winner is ... green olives with those little red
things in them!" (later re-used
1-21-06)
March 14: Loonie of the Laundromat Part IV - "Step away
from the lint traps Those pelts are mine!" (later
re-used 5-4-06)
March
15: "Hey,
good lookin' women! When was the last time you spent come cut-rate
quality time with geeky, unsavory guys like us? Well, hey! Take a
walk on the mild side! (later re-used
12-10-08)
March 22: One teee to anothe r- "It's a great policy, Stan.
I get $5,000 if I lose a limb." (Originally syndicated 11-17-87) (Stanfill)
March 23: Bob's band sounded better in the shower. (Last used 7-4-95)
March
25: "Bob and I were happy for 26 years ... then we met." (later
re-used 7-20-05))
March
27:
Plastic Surgery Outlet - "Do you people do brain enhancements?" (Parkin) (later
re-used-7-21-05)
March 28: Mrs. God: "Sure, He's
master of time and space, but just TRY to get him to pick up his clothes."(Stanfill)
March 29: World Heavyweight Food Fight! (last used 12-14-96)
March 31: "I hate to see you suffer, Maynard..." |
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April 6: Phil has his
'game face' on.
April 10: "We're not important enough
to have a poster child. We have an index card child."(Stanfill)
April 12: "Shhh! Quiet ladies. We've spotted the blue-blodded,
gold-carded, Rolex-wristed, mansion monkey." (used again 11-9-06)
April 20: "The Rolling Stones 2026 World Tour" (Used again
9-7-05) |
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May 1: "Marcie,
get that dog off the table! He's using the wrong fork!" (Next
used 8-24-05)
May 4: "We're going to automate at the office, Bob. So we're
replacing you with this paperweight."
May 6: "Bozo!! - The fragrance that makes people...LAUGH!!"
April 9: "You have a compound, compound,
compound, compound, fracture, fracture, fracture, fracture."
(Later re-used 12-30-06)(Stanfill)
May 10: "I love you from your sloping, suborbital-ridge forehead
to your hairy, prehensile toes."
May 12: The first and last stunt by
Emil Kneival, Amish Daredevil. (Later re-used 12-8-06)(Stanfill)
May 20: Mr. Spock: The Retirement Years.
May 22: "Jowles body was a temple, but his mouth was an atheist."
May 25: God gets a personal manager. (later re-used 10-7-09)
May 26: Computer Cowboy - "I'm not like the other outlaws, Dotty.
I live by a code." (later re-used 9-29-05)
May 27:(Bumper sticker on Bob) "My other boyfriend is Mel Gibson."
May 29: "Ladies and gentlemen, I give you: ' The Chiggen!' Our
new, genetically fused creature that lays eggs wrapped in bacon." (later
re-used 11-4-06) (Szyszka)
May 31: "I can understand the foot fetish, Dan, but now you've
paid the price ... athlete's face!" (Originally syndicated 5-31-2000,
used again 10-3-06) |
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June
2:
Cobras - "Say it, don't spray it - ok, Phil? 'Cause now
I'm blind." (later re-used
7-14-04)
June 7: "It's been a long time, Mavis. Are you still the
same jealous, insecure person who broke up with me years ago?
Whoa! Check out the babe in the red frock!" (Later re-used
11-8-2000)
June 12: "I like
what you've done with your hair." (Used again 8-23-05)
June 17: The Attack of the Real Estate
Developers From Space. (Also used 6-6-95, 8-9-07) (Stanfill)
June 26: "Bob, you're infected with
tiny planes...and you're a carrier." (Later re-used 11-22-06) (Stanfill)
June 27: "Have you tried a moisturizer?" |
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July 6:
Moses the Barber: "Wait'll you see how I part hair." (originally
syndicated 1-11-88)
July 13: Hand-thrown pottery.
July 15: She- "I'll have what he's having." "You want
a pointless existence with no direction?" "Make that a
salad." (Parkin) (later re-used 8-28-08)
July 19: "Check out the see-through
blouse." (last used 6-21-95)
July 20: "Captain, I'm in trouble on Hill 47! I need reinforcement!"
(Previously re-used 6/14/97. Later used 2-17-05 and 1-17-06)
July 21: The Amway Pit Viper. (Last
used 3-8-93, 6-21-97)
July 22: Phantom of the Opera, Werewolf of the Mime Troupe, Fat Guy
of the Ballet, Vampire of the Theatrical Agency! (Later re-used 5-9-06)
July 28: "Thank you, members of the Academy." |
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August 2: Chicken:
"Does the fact we're called BROILERS alarm you at all?"
(Used again 12-27-05)
August 4: "All those in disagreement with me say 'So long gainful
employment'." (Used again 7-26-07)
August 7: "It says: 'Only a complete loser pins his hopes on
the generic platitude of a mass-produced cookie.'" (later re-used
11-14-06)
August 8: "I've learned to ignore you, Stan. I know it's the
beer talking." (Later re-used 9-26-06)
August 9: "You're as dull as a sand flea, Bill, but you're a
great listener." (Later re-used 12-1-06)
August 10: The Magic Finger Bed. (Used again on 8-3-2005)
August 11: Bob - "Listen, I read that overweight couch potatoes
like me cost the nation $5.7 million a year in health-care costs...
so
i
was wondering if I could get some of that in advance." (Later
re-used 11-17-06)
August 14: "Lemme make it easy for you. Every menu item is just
a variation on the old meat-bean-cheese-lettuce-tortilla theme. Free
choice is a farce here at Taco Castle. We're all puppets of corporate
America. What'll it be?" (later re-used 11-10-05)
August 19: Cowboy Bob's crippling arthritis of the armpits got him
in a lot of trouble. (Originally syndicated middle 80s)
August 21: "I'm just not satisfied with
my chakra alignment." (Szyszka) (Later re-used 7-15-05)
August 22: aliens - "Hey, Flerb! did
you see Zot's new palm pilot? Interstellar internet access!" "Astounding!
Hey, check out Alyssa Milano!" (Szyszka) (later
re-used 7-7-05)
August 24: "Hey, hey, hey! How am I supposed to kiss you if
you keep holdin' your nose?" (Szyszka) (later re-used 12-26-06)
August 25 : "Get a load of Mr. Playdog over there. I went out
with him once ... he's all sniff." (Szyzka) (later re-used
4-15-06)
August 26: "It's not going to work out,
Stan. You're too much of a user. (later re-used 1-13-2010) (Szyszka)
August 28: Mermaid - "You're a great
girl, Marcie ... I just feel like I can't breathe." (
later re-used 10-28-04 and 12-1-09)
August 30: Porcupine - "I don't know, doc ... I've always had
trouble getting close." ( later
re-used10-19-05)
August 31: "Dude, you know if people were chickens, nobody
would ever egg anybody's house." (Szyszka) (later re-used 7-8-05) |
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September
1:
Phil Steiner had absorbed so many microwaves from using
his cell phone, he could pop his own corn. (Szyszka) (later
re-used 11-11-08)
September
5: "The
tribe has spoken, Dad ... we've voted you out of the house." (later
re-used 11-11-05)
September
7: "The company has decided to automate, Quigman. We're installing
a Mac processor in your skull". (Later
re-used 9-7-2000 and 9-17-09)
September 12: "All I want is a nice midlife crisis!"
September 14: Watch me foam. (Later
re-used 10-16-06)
September 15: No caption: "Children crossing" sign characters
crossing road in front of bewildered Bob. (Later re-used 2-5-08)
September 18: "With all my problems
now, how will I know when my mid-life crisis gets here?" (Stanfill)
September 19: "That sidewalk vendor sold you a fake Roledex."
September 20: "In a previous existence
Marlene was a Cossack while Marty was a hassock." (Stanfill)
September 21: "He certainly takes after his father, doesn't
he?" (originally syndicated 6-24-87)
September 22: "Oh my! The Buffalo Gal has come out tonight."
September 23: Francine induces labor in Bob. (Carlin) (later re-used
10-22-05)
September 28: "You might say old Bob is just a drifter." (Last
appeared 11-30-98)
September 29: "Congratulations! You may already be a loser!"
(Last used 2-22-96) |
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October 6:
Aliens - "Okay,
hold still, son ... You've got a satellite in your eye." (Szyszka) (later re-used 10-27-04)
October 7: Fe-fi-fo-fum Bakery - "I'll just have some coffee." (later
re-used 8-2-05)
October 9: Deficit disorder joke. Similar to same gag printed
on 7-12-01.
October 10: "Francine suddenly realized Bob's swimmer's
body had devolved into a buoy."(later
re-used 9-25-2006)
October 11: A high-strung
game of emotional poker. 7-12-01.
October 12: "I don't care what a good boy you are... you get
your stinkin' thumbs outta those plums or I'll break 'em!" (later
re-used 11-21-06)
October 16: "King-of-the-road Stan ruled with an iron fist.
Prisoner-of-the-feeder Bob gripped the side of the on-ramp with a
blinding fear. (Parkin) (later re-used 10-11-06)
October 18: Tragically, Bob had set his Thigh Master on reverse.
October 19: Environmental archiologists
(Later re-used10-24-06) (Stanfill)
October 20: Victoria's Real Secret - "Yeah, dis is Victoria.
No, we ain't got no more of da Evening in Bermuda in a size 8." (Stanfill) (Later re-used 11-2-06)
October 21: "Are you people ready for 'Cringe Rock'"? (Later
re-used 11-28-06)
October 23: T-shirt : I didn't go anywhere or do anything 'cause
all I am is a lousy t-shirt. (Later
re-used 11-15-06)
October 24: "I live in a very fashionable neighborhood."
October 25: (eye & hand) "Yes
folks! Now we find which is quicker." (last
appeared 6-19-90)(Stanfill)
October
26:
Cop to ghost - "You're lyin' to us, aren'tcha? You know who killed
you. I can see right through ya!" (Szyszka) (Later
re-used 10-20-06)
October 27: Frankenstein - "What's a dude
have to do to get a shock treatment around here?" (szyszka) (Later re-used 6-3-2000)
October 28: Vampire - "Sure,
I drink blood. All the best vampires do,
but to be honest, I've never cared for the taste." (Szyszka) (Later
re-used 11-1-2000)
October 30: Jowles - "For
the last time, it not mange! It's male-pattern baldness!" (Latrer
re-used 4-4-07)
October 31: Zombie Dating Service - "I'm
looking for a woman with brains." (Szyszka) (Later
re-used 9-21-05) |
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November
1: (Two stop signs at bar) "I don't know,
Lisa. I just don't see our relationship going anywhere." (Szyszka) (later
re-used 9-27-06)
November
2: Mole Talk - "I've always been advised
to have it removed, but I think it gives me character."(Later
re-used 7-30-05)
November
3: "Try
to calm down, ma'am. Now just exactly how was the steak smothered?" (Parkin) (Later
re-used 1-24-06)
November
4: Bob finally began scraping the "Don't laugh, it's paid for" bumper
stickers off everything he owned.
November
6:
Ant director - "Quit bustin' my chops, Leonard! You can lift
a hundred times your own weight, but you can't pick up a cue?" (Later
re-used 10-25-06)
November 9: Godzilla Supreme Court Candidate. (originally syndicated
5-27-95)
November
10: "As
a hillbilly, I don't think you're adjusting very smoothly here, Zeke.
I'm going to have to release you from the account executive
position." Zeke - "Wrassle ya fer it, boss!" (Parkin) (later
re-used 8-17-05)
November 11: "When I first met Bob, he
was putty in my hands. So I decided to fashion him into a planter." (later re-used
2-24-07)
November
13: "It's always 'Quasimodo this' and 'Quasimodo that'.
Well, I gotta name! It's Humpy! And without me, you'd be nothing!
so introduce
me to the chick!" (Szyszka) (later
re-used 10-5-05, 1-6-10)
November 14: Love Conniption - "nd toward
the end of our date, Fred was encumbered by a speech impediment...
my fist. (
originally syndicated late 80s)
November
15:
Butterfly - "I don't know, doc ... I have this overwhelming fear
of being pinned down." (Szyszka) (
later re-used 1-10-05)
November 16:
I see you've got freckles...I just have the one. (Szyszka) (
later re-used 6-12-04 , 3-14-09 and 1-14-2010)
November 17: Super-Intendant! (originally syndicated 11-17-2000,
used once again 1-4-2007) (Stanfill)
November 18: "Excuse me. We're downsizing.
Would you mind slipping into this?" (Parkin) (Later
re-used 11-6-08)
November 20: "Parents are probation officers
with food." (previous use unrecorded,
later re-used 12-26-09)
November 21: "What do I do with
this pluggie-innie-dealy?" (Stanfill)
November 23: "Here's my proposal, General Barksider. Will you
marry me?"
November
24: "Hello,
my name is Punchbowl Dunking Bird, and I'm an alcoholic." (later
re-used 8-29-08)
November 27: Bob's faith in the love of his Aunt Myrtle
and Uncle Dan was shaken when they put him in the quicksand box. (later
re-used 11-10-04)
November 28: Mister Rogers, All-Star wrestler.
November 29: Declaration of Codependency. (Stanfill)
(Originally syndicated 2-21-95)
November
30: "I'm
attracted to you physically, but if I didn't know better, I'd say you
were a hand puppet operated by my mom." (Martin) (later
re-used 5-27-06) |
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December
2: The drivers license of Dorian Gray (Last used 3-6-96)(Stanfill)
December 4: My dinner with Lassie. (re-used again 6-9-05)(Stanfill)
December
5:
Echo Chamber of Commerce - "I propose we tear down huge
areas of the city so we can yell our heads off and hear our voices
bounce back." (later re-used 11-26-05)
December 7: It looks like another month of
spice camp for Boris. "You're
throwin' that fennel like a bush league fry cook! Sprinkle gingerly,
maggot! Now, drop and give me twenty!" (Martin) (later
re-used 6-21-08)
December 11:
Until that seemingly peaceful Tuesday, Bob had always believed in
the bromide: "What
you don't know won't hurt you." (later
re-used 6-10-05)
December 12: Hot Shampoo! - "Wow! The left side is really tingling!
(later re-used 10-7-08)
December
14:
10k potato sack race - "Yes! bob is closing in on a new sackrace
record, the five-hour mile!" (later
re-used 10-11-08)
December 15: "Before
I order, are there substitutes?" (Parkin) (later
re-used 10-8-08)
December 16: Home boy, l'homme boy. homogenized boy, om boy.
December
18: Spider - "I feel like I'm just hanging by a thread,
doc." (Szyszka) (later re-used
5-31-05)
December 19: Ivy League Frat Games. (Stanfill)
December 21: Debutante Ball - "Haw! Haw! Burp! Yeah, I went
to freakin' finishin' school! I graduated from Earl Scheib Paint
and
Body." (later
re-used 11-18-08)
December
22: "Our
daughter Constance is almost through with finishing school. At graduation
they give her a head!" (later re-used
5-20-05)
December 26: Bob embarks on a guilt trip. (Originally syndicated
12-19-87)
December 27: Comic Relief Pitcher. (Stanfill)
December 28: Francine's moisturizer worked too well.
December 29: My biological clock has a snooze bar.
December 30:
Francine attempts to resolve the mistakes of her past. (Szyszka) (later
re-used 11-8-08) |
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