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Each
gag line listed below indicates a Quigmans recycled by Buddy
in 1999.
Captions in orange indicate joke originally
written by Mike Stanfill
Captions in red indicate
joke originally written by collaborator
1999 results: Buddy reused 103 old Quigmans
in 1999, or about 33%.
January 1: "Look
out! It's a bundt!" (Later used on 6-13-05)
January 2: Non-Smoker's Hotel - "Liars!" (Later re-used
10-21-04)
January 8: "Honey, this cake is REALLY moist!"
January 9: "Hold still, Bob! You're
smudging Garfield!" (Stanfill)
January
13:
Bob mistakenly stumbled across the fountain of Truth, which proclaims: "Not
only are you getting old, but you're gettin' kinda chunky." (Szyszka) (later
re-used 5-27-04)
January 14: Date with a movie critic - "Your visual texture
is diverting, Bob, but your characterization is poorly drawn, your
narrative content numbs the mind, and I feel two hours closer to death.
Thumbs down! I enjoyed the food, however. (later
re-used 10-9-04)
January
16: "Let's
face it, Doc ... nobody loves a horse named charlie." (later
re-used 12-18-04, 1-7-2010)
January 19: A crime of passion.
January
21:
Midlife Crisis Barbie and Talking Old Guy G.I. Joe. (later
re-used 4-16-04)
January 22: Lost and Found ---"Hey, Sid? Did anyone turn in
this guys youth?" (Later 5-20-04)
January
26:
Prisoner - "Finally, I find myself in a committed relationship." (later
re-used 10-7-05)
January 29: "I
think I'm gonna make a pass at one of these Indians, bob. It's not
that I don't love you .. I just don't wanna be tied down." (later
re-used 2-5-05)
January 30: In his rush to kiss Francine, Bob fails to notice her
cigarette. |
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February
1: "You
like sun-dried tomatoes, right? Well, dis is sun-dried chicken.
Guaranteed four days in the sun, minimum. (Nino) (later
re-used 6-22-04)
February 5:
"We've been hiding growth hormones in his Brussels sprouts..."(Later
re-used 12-16-04) (Stanfill)
February 6: "That's the man who stole my spotlight!" (later
re-used 11-17-08)
February 8: "Revenge of the puppy" (Note: This joke debuted
in 1984, re-used again on 2-25-06)
February 10: Burglar: "I'm gettin' ta like dis 'shop at home'
concept." (Originally syndicated 2-6-93)
February 11: Mel's No-Pest Jumpsuit: a big summertime favorite.
(Parkin) (later
re-used 11-30-04, 9-30-09)
February 12: "Yorgie
smash head of Thag like peanut...oh, wait...me getting beep." (later
re-used 11-14-03)
February 13: "We don't take kindly to poachers 'round here,
mister. We like OUR eggs in a nice omelet." (later re-used
12-30-04)
February 16: Bob discovers the secret of youth.
February 18: The Janitor Awards. (Stanfill)
February
20:
Tragically, Bob's lazy eye soon spread to the rest of his face. Doctor
- "You've got lazy face, Bob." (first
apppeared 10-6-98, later re-used 2-22-06)
February 23: Cheerleaders at the World
Chess Championship. (originally syndicated
1-19-88)(Stanfill)
February 24: A chilling scene from the "Elephant Dog": ("I'm
not a human being..."
February 25: "Being both a schizophrenic and a roommate-hater..."
February 26: Senate washroom door: "Employees must really try
to keep hands clean!" |
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March
1: The Nuclear Gourmet ---"...serve immediately at ground
zero."(Stanfill)
March 2: "Hey! I told you kids to knock off the locker room talk!"
March 3: Defensive Attorney.
March 6: Bob does what he can to protect the rain forest.
March 8: "Would you like to try some of me Lucky Charms?" "Hey
... didn't you used to have a dog named Lucky?" (later re-used
1-15-05)
March 13: Psychiatrist to cow - "Where does all this
self-loathing come from, Elsie?" "I'm lactose-intolerant,
Doc." (parkin) (later
re-used 10-6-04)
March 16: "I'm lookin' for the man that shot my paw."
March 17: Exterminator Cafe - "What's yer poison, boys?" (later
re-used 1-17-09)
March 19: Psychiatrist - "You're not showing good progress,
Mr. Quigman! You need to let go of some of the things you're holding
onto! GIMME!" (detmers) (Later
re-used 3-2-99)
March 20: "I just LIVE for 'Pin-the-Blame-on-the-Boyfriend'!"(Stanfill)
March 24: The "No-Guest Strip".
March 25: "You've used too much thigh cream."
March 30: Bob achieves a runner's high. (later re-used 4-14-05) |
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April 3:
Bob and Francine's 'baby couple talk' was cute and endearing,
but sooner or later
they needed more. (later re-used 8-13-05)
April 5: Pressure is high when you date comes with an on-deck
circle. (Later re-used 6-21-05)
April 6: Bum with sign - "I'm a middleman who was skipped." (later
re-used 12-4-04, 1-5-2010)
April 8: Bob attempts
to get high on himself.
April 9: The Beaver Family: "Ward,
I need to talk to you about the human."(Stanfill)
April 14: "Like I said: All displays of bodily piercings will
results in school suspension." (later
re-used 10-20-04, 1-11-2010) (Wolfe)
April 15: Bob modifies ear hairs into spiffy muttonchops.
April 16: Only 35 and Bob was already experiencing chest pains.
April 19: "You kids today don't appreciate the value of a dollar." (Later
re-used 11-6-04, 11-19-09)
April 20: Bob sold hearing aids door-to-door, but no one ever heard
him knock.
April 23: Recreation Time in Rehab - "We've all been there,
Marcie. The first six steps are always the hardest." (Parkin) (later re-used 10-11-05)
April 24: Up to now, Bob had scoffed when people called
him a flake. But now, as he soaked in his milk bath, he was gradually
becoming soggy. (later re-used 12-10-05)
April 26: "Honey, I thought we had the place sprayed for lawyers."
April
27:
Holy cow! We're witnessing one of the rare holds in wrestling, folks:
The head combination lock!" (later
re-used 1-28-04)
April 28: "See, Bob? The modern ranch isn't at all like you
expected!" (Stanfill)
April 29: "Billy! You better finish your broccoli before
it finishes you." (later re-used 5-3-07)
April
30: "Let's
see... impersonating a hipster, going too fast on a first date, operating
without a clue, failure to satisfy expectations,
sagging bumpers, and ... oh! Looks like your dreams have expired!" (later
re-used 8-31-05) |
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May 1: Singles Dance.
May
3: "I
wanted to attend the codependency workshop but i couldn't find anyone
to go with me." (Parkin) (later
re-used 4-28-04)
May 4: Enid Kronkman was visited by the
I.Q. Fairy.(Stanfill)
May 5: "It's the Old Age Rappers. Live 1st Aid 2035!"
(Irony alert: In this "joke" Buddy is making fun of pop
media figures becoming banal and laughable, ironically self-referencing
his own lack of creativity. )
May 6: Bob joined the Army and became all that he could be.
May 10: "Whadaya mean I do nothing? Why, today alone,
I propped up my feet, dodged responsibility, pushed my luck and sawed
imaginary logs!" (later re-used 4-21-05)
May 13: Tired of
paying too much for high-falootin' gourmet coffee? Then try Tasteless
Choice! (Illegible) (later
re-used 7-17-04)
May 14: Will diet for food.
May15: Bob was his own boss, so he chased himself around his desk.
(Used again 3-28-05)
May 17: A mind is a terrible thing to baste.
May 19: Grand Canyon alternatives. (later re-used
4-2-05)
May
20: "I
am a proud member of the Hair of the Month Club for Men. But I, myself,
have run out of space ... so my wife is weaving a
rug." (later re-used 6-30-05)
May 22: Francine was a morning person.
May 24: Peterson was a cop who went by the book...the "Book
of Ballet". (Later re-used 7-1-05)
May 25: To help
himself fall asleep, Gillbert the fish listened to a tape of humans
at a football game doing the wave. (later re-used 4-28-05)
May 27: Nurse Floyd had the ability to turn a man's head and make
him cough.
May 31: Eventually, the Quigmans began to suspect the restaurant was
closing. |
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June 1: Sally Jesse
James Raphael.
June 5: Bob Quigman: Private Eye, Ear,
Nose and Throat. (later re-used 5-4-05)(Stanfill)
June
7:
If you liked Magic Earring Ken ... Hey! It's exotic Nose-ring Barbi!" (later
re-used 5-10-05)
June 8: Bob the Magician performs his amazing Vanishing elephant
trick. (Last appeared 2-15-95)
june 10: "You DID call for a stripper,
right?"(Stanfill)
June 11: "I've decided to remove
all the fat from my life...so hit the road, Bob."(Stanfill)
June 12: "Your wedding announcement's in the paper,
Bob. But the bride's name has been withheld pending notification
of next of kin." (later re-used 11-13-04)
June
14: Bob was even more annoyed at the Late Night Talk Show Wars when
the UN peacekeepers stepped in. (later re-used
6-28-05)
June 15: "Listen, honey, it's a youth industry. I'm
sorry, but sixteen is way past ingenue!" (szyszka) (later
re-used 4-26-05)
June
17:
Francine's virtue is saved from a reckless advance with the deployment
of her First-Date-Air-Bag. (later re-used
3-20-04)
June 19: "Tractor Pull" cologne.
June 21: Salesman Bob had that flamboyant seat-of-the-pants sales
style.
June 22: The Singing Telegram! (last appeared
4-21-93)
June 23: Heidi Fleiss-watter (Bad visual pun)
June 26: "...now get in there and
give him your best writers block!"(Stanfill)
June 29: Gas Pumps - "Oh,
come on, Honey! I can't help it when I get a gas bubble!" (Szyszka) (later
appeared 5-5-06) |
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July 5: "Let's
see... pushing 40 in a family zone... no marriage license...
ignoring signs of aging... I'm afraid I'll have to write you
out a ticket to Cosmo." (also appeared
2-15-96, 11-17-05, 10-31-07)
July
7: "Well, look what the cat's in drag in." (First
used 5-14-87. Last used 7-28-95. Later re-used 8-7-04)(Stanfill)
July8: "Hamster Haven"...All
you can suffocate. (Stanfill)
July 10: Sherlock Holmes; Eye, Ear, Nose
& Throat: "Alimentary, my dear Watson." (Later re-used
4-24-04)
July 12: At one time, it took seven to tango.(Stanfill)
July 14: Frank(enstein) was apprehensive that others would discover
his head was a clip-on. (later re-used 6-17-05)
July 16: Cannibals on the road: "This is the last leg, make it
last."
July 19: "It's our son, Doctor...he's lost the will to leave."
(Next used 3-10-06, and again 9-15-07) (Stanfill)
July 20: (Sign on Earth) "Detour...under destruction."
July 21: "It says: 'You may already BE a winner.'" (later
re-used 1-13-06)
July 24: He: "Where you been all my life?" --- She: "Unborn,
mostly."
July 26:
Motivational Perfume - "Wow! That scent! It fills me with an
insatiable urge to quit Taco Hut and start my own company!" (later
re-used 11-16-05)
July 28: Sled dog stories. (Later re-used 9-25-04)
Juny 31: "Nasty razor burn there, Bob..." (Later re-used
6-1-04) |
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August 3: "Take
my waif, please."
August 4: : A scene from "The Rush Limbaugh Story".
August 5: "The name is Bum. James Bum." (Later
re-used 4-27-05)
August 7: The Amazing Boomerang Man --- He always comes back! (Last
appeared 4-12-95)
August 9: Bob is expelled from driving school. (later
re-used 7-13-04 and 10-3-09)
August 10: "He's a muscle-bound mime. Women love the strong,
silent type." (Later re-used on 6-1-06)
August
11:
Bad hints from Heloise - "Lady bugs really spice up a salad." (Little) (later
re-used 7-7-04)
August 12: "We decided to fight fire with fire, but your house burned
evern faster. (Stanfill)
August 13: Ventriloquist Date --- "Your
lips never move, Stan."(Stanfill)
August 14: "Relax, guys! It's street
legal!"(Stanfill)
August
16: "I
met this nice girl named Angela and gave her my phone number, but she
hasn't called me yet." "Give it a rest, Bob! That was in
'93." (Parkin) (later
re-used 6-26-04))
August 17:"You're trembling." "I always get this
rush of adrenaline when I'm about to dump a guy." (later
re-used 7-7-04)
August 19: I could've been a lawyer, but I couldn't pass the bar.
(later re-used 2-26-09) (Szyszka)
August 21: School Cafeteria: "Today's special: The Blob!"
Augustf 23: "The Floormaster."
August 24: A scene from the discovery of the legendary Quigman Lode
of 1994.
(Note: Buddy didn't even bother to change the
date! Sheesh!)
August 26: Being self-employed begins
to mess with Bob's head. (Later re-used 9-15-04) (Stanfill)
August 28: Make Your Mother Mad Theme
Park!(Stanfill)
August 30: (Big fat guy at
cooking class) "Sorry I'm late ... I was up all night cramming." (later
re-used 11-17-04) |
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September
1: Institution of Lower Learning.
September 4: Gluttony Connection.
September 6: "I can't believe you stay so thin. Every
time I see you you're chewing on a cookie." "It's the same
cookie, and it's rubber." (Szyszka) (later
re-used 6-9-07)
September 9: (visual gag) Moses, wearing silly floation device, leading
Jews through Red Sea .
September 16: Masochist Club: "No, no, you're too kind!"
September 18: "Leave it to Beavis"(Stanfill)
September
25: "Everyone
has trouble guessing my age ... but i'll give you a hint ... I've
had so much plastic surgery I'm no longer biodegradable." (later
re-used 7-10-04)
September 27: Some of the romance
of waterskiing drains away when Francine learns only the power of
a tugboat will pull Bob. (later re-used 9-21-04,
later re-used 11-28-09) |
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October 1: Evaporated
Milk cow.
October 4: psychiatrist: "First off,
we need to kill the impulse to rip up our Anger Workbook." (later
re-used 8-24-02)
October 6: Le Oxygen Bar.
October 7: "I really thought my charms would start to grow on
you, Francine." " Me, too, Bob ... but hourly, scalding-hot
showers seem to protect me." (later re-used 6-16-04)
October 9: Jowles did ten laps every morning.
October 11: "Thought you'd like
it. It's made from 17 natural herbs and spices."(Stanfill) (Later
re-used 9-20-05)
October 13: "Klaus! Klaus! You gotta quit punchin' people when
they order the big-eye Swiss!" (later
re-used 8-18-04)
October 14: Another senseless designer knock-off. (later
re-used 7-2-04 and 11-12-09)
October 18: "That's Bob Quigman, a distant relative of ours." (also
appeared 3-13-87, 9-29-04)
October
19:
Sign- Soon to be built on this site: Unoccupied 30-story eyesore. (later
re-used 9-6-05)
Octoner
21:
Life with the overly jealous - "You're thinking about something
else, aren't you? I can tell because your eyes are open!" (later
re-used 7-28-04, 1-9-2010)
October 22: "Your literary agent was right, Bob. You DID have
a novel in you."
October 23: "Confrontational? What do you mean I'm confrontational?
I oughta bust your face!" (later re-used
7-31-04, 11-24-09)
October 25: "You may not be the brightest bunny in the forest,
Bob, but I love sitting out here with you, listening to the wind
as it
whistles through your ears." (later re-used
7-27-04)
October 27:"All I'm saying is...either you find another job
or we pry that thing off that plate and EAT it!" (later re-used
10-17-03)
October 28: Big Hair club for Women. "I'm not only a member,
I'm a refuge for birds!" (later re-used 10-2-04, 1-16-2010)
October 29: "Isn't he DARLING? I found him while I was out antiquing!"
(later used 7-20-04)
October 30: "Your typing is all
hooves, Ms. Holstein..."(Stanfill) |
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November
2: Note: Buddy once owned www.quigmans.com but
let its ownership lapse. At the time he occasionally included the
URL "www.quigmans.com" in his daily comic so that Quig Fans
would surf over and, hopefully, buy his lame clip art CD. What this
is leading up to is that today's recycled comic included that self-same
URL which lead the reader to a domain that had long since disappeared.
He simply hustled the cartoon to the syndicate, evidently not giving
a moment's consideration to the confusion he may be causing.
Novermber 2: clown car - "It may look small, but this little
hummer actually seats three hundred." (later re-used 11-12-05)
November 8: "What's not to get, people? My client's face is
smashed flat because his wife slammed it in the door! Open-and-shut
case!" (later
re-used 9-8-04, 12-16-09)
November 8: "Jane, is it me, or
has the neighborhood changed?" (Last used 4-14-96) (Stanfill)
November 9: "I hate to use the words, 'You're fired!' so just
get up and move to the other side of the desk." (previously
used but used again 7-21-04, 1-2-2010)
(Note: Guess what? This is another Quigman with
the non-functioning URL.)
November 10: Francine's kisses were sweeter than wine. (Last
used 5-20-96, and pre-'96)
November 11: Knife and Fork at the marriage counselor. "It seemed
natural at first ... we were always being shoved together for dinner
..." (Later
re-used 6-15-04 and 2-25-09)
November 13: "Insurance didn't cover a real donor, so we just
slapped in a pigs heart..." (also used
3-8-04, 2-3-2010)
November 15: "Mommy! Billy's LIL
Arsonist burned down Barbies Dream Home. (Stanfill) (last
appeared 2-12-96)
Novermber 17: "Looks like a very strange case of Dutch Elm
disease. I'm gonna prescribe ... pruning, I guess." (later
re-used 6-29-04, 2-24-09)
Novermber 19: "So anyway, doc, I have abandonment issues.
Doc? Doc? (later re-used 9-18-04)
November 22: "The most unpleasant thing about being in the
only student in this class is when I ask you to break into groups." (later
re-used 6-8-04)
November 24: "Hey, Eveready Rabbit,
how's that intestinal tract problem?" (Stanfill)
November 25: Hungry for a traditional activity, Americans gather
to observe the changing of the noseguard. (later re-used 4-14-04)
November 29: After his own attempted murder,
Bob unwittingly spawns a wild new craze: Lapel-gliding. (later re-used 9-11-04) |
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December
3:
Beefy man w/sign - Please help. Health club membership about
to expire. (later re-used 5-1-04)
December 4: Marty Stewart (Martha's white trash brother) (later re-used 11-29-03)
December 7: Bob is caught in the vicious loop of shampoo
bottle directions: "lather, rinse, repeat." (later
re-used 6-9-04)
December 9: People who were NOT awarded Salesperson of the
Month - "If this model is not to your liking ... there
are other stores with better stuff." (later
re-used 9-10-04, 2-10-2010)
December 10: Big, tough Pikachu -"You wanna take my
kids outta your pocket?" (Szyszka) (later
re-used 5-21-04, 12-3-09)
December 13: For the first time in years, Spock's Vulcan
mindmeld was a severe disappointment. Bob: "I...like...pie." (later
re-used 6-2-04)
December 14: "She's a great girl. Great girl. Occasionally
gets a tick, but she takes care of it." (later re-used
7-6-07)
December 15: "Bob,
your check bounced so high it cleared the building."
December 17: Snowman, to woman - "It's because I have a small
carrot, isn't it?" (later re-used 12-24-04)
December 18: "Jowels, I decided
we needed a second income, so I got you a second job."(Stanfill) (last
appeared 3-26-96)
December 21: "Your complexion isn't so bad, Bob. Oh, that reminds
me, I forgot to pick up some pimento loaf."
December 24: Rudolph is arrested - Santa:"But officer! His nose
is always that color!" Cop:"Yeah. Yeah. Tell it to the judge!" (szyszka) (later
re-used 12-25-04, 12-29-08)
December 27: "I'm
old enough to know I'm not old enough to know about a lot of things." (later
re-yused 6-5-04)
December 29: Lion - "Well, well ... aren't you hoity-toity, Lou!
Got your own personal tamer." (later re-used 4-27-04)
December 30: While attempting to embrace life, Bob failed to notice
its trick knee. (later re-used 9-22-04) |
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